The Ashes diary of Australia’s 13th Man, Andrew Nother Mitchell: heavy drinker, pub brawler and all round good bloke #2

Disclaimer: This article is written in jest and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Dear Ashton,

Oh yes, they love you now, all these people who wondered who the hell you were just days ago. They worship at your feet, all these gits who mocked your selection a week or two back. Enjoy it, Ashty, revel in the glory; take the opportunity to do what we’ve all wanted for some time and punch Shane; borrow a WAG or two and have them rub you down then bathe in champagne with you – for I fear it will not last.

You see, Ashton, you join a long line of men, young and old, all of whom carried the spin mantle for Australia at one time or another. They, too, were rolled in glory for a short time. They, too, thought they had the world at their feet (Except Hauritz. We’re still not really sure what that was all about), only to find they weren’t that good or their bosses had no faith in them or they were Jason Krejza.

Basically, they just weren’t Shane Warne.

And you, my lad, are also not Shane Warne. Your skin is a natural colour and texture for one thing, and I haven’t seen Mike Gatting hiding from you. Your time is limited, so you should run with it as far as you can.

Then sell your international gear in a garage sale when it comes to its inevitable end.

Yours,

A. Nother Mitchell

P.S.: Any chance you could help me bathe Shane tonight? He’s such a big baby when he’s hurt his hair.

Read Australia’s 13th Man’s diary of the first day of the Ashes here.