Satire: IPL broadcasters relieved that controversy has finally happened

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is meant to be in jest.

Just like you can’t make chicken tikka without chicken, you cannot make an IPL without controversy. Indeed, the anticipation from the crowds has dwindled and lakhs of men across India who are at a bar and have lied to their wives about working late cricket fans gave up on cricket per se long back.

“Now it’s all about the controversies. I mean, initially there was some fun watching 4s and 6s being hit every over, but now the novelty’s worn off. Now we sit and just hope that the next ball will bring with it some controversy. Players abusing each other. Umpires giving wrong decisions. Scantily-clad starlets running to married cricketers with babies screaming “How dare you abandon your child!” That’s what we watch the IPL for!”, said a passionate fan in Chennai.

Indeed, the IPL got off to a dull start with week 1. While the cricket was good, it was like ordering vegetarian at Mohammad Ali Road, Mumbai during Eid. It just felt wrong and safe, while we wanted a lot more. Thankfully, week 2 of the IPL has lived up to expectations, and then some – with Dwayne Bravo having a go at his teammate Kieron Pollard who hit him for 2 consecutive sixes. With Sreesanth’s rant on Twitter against Bhajji. With Kohli and Gambhir discussing, among other things, which is the best broadband supplier in Vasant Kunj.

“Ratings are through the roof! More people are going to be tuning in than ever before! We can’t wait for the next Rajasthan vs Mumbai match… We’re doing our best to beg the team owners to play Sreesanth and Harbhajan both. Can you imagine what that will be like?”, said an executive at SET Max, the official broadcaster of the IPL, while sneakily looking at an Audi brochure.

If sources are to be believed, the IPL is trying its best to become more controversy friendly. Says Sundar Raman, CEO of the tournament, “If the people want more slapping, b*chin’ and crying, who are we to deny them? Towards this end, we are thinking of legalizing chair fights, having hot women accompany some of the players, having themed music when players come out, and perhaps even building back stories to rivalries”. When asked whether he had hired Vince McMahon as part of this process, he looked stunned and said, “Why yes! How… how did you ever guess?”

The SET Max executive said, “All this begets just one question. Will the most important people for the IPL benefit? No, not the players, not the audiences! Who cares for those clowns? We’re talking about the advertisers. People were getting tired of being named after a boring four or six… Now we can give them controversies! Such as… This fight is brought to you by Micromax. Or… The Balaji Chips family-friendly abuse. Or the Dairy Milk Shubh Aarambh Twitter controversy. It’ll be great!”

In any case, now that the controversy in the IPL is finally back on track, the nation can get back to its primary task – figuring out what those damn Zoozoos are up to.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is meant to be in jest.