They tried to make me go to rehab...

Victor's wine house jail was discovered, fake Ferris wheels and horses made their debut, the real Ashley emerged, and Nikki's back from her long weekend of rehab. We unpack this and lots of other baggage in this week's Two Scoops.

Dear readers, Nikki must be a remarkable woman. After having vodka intravenously pumped into her body and guzzling Costco-size bottles of it for months, she can complete rehab in what seemed like a long weekend.

Nikki waltzed into the Newman ranch, full hair, makeup, and nails, looking like she's been at the spa instead of rehab, but maybe rich people rehab does have a spa. How would I know?

Nikki is feeling perky and confident because she assumes the woman who tortured her is dead. Instead, she is a flight of stairs below, guzzling vodka and being tortured by Brussel sprouts.

Colleen Zenk is a wonder to me. She makes me feel like I really missed out by not watching her on As the World Turns. I can't believe I missed out on her hijinks all those years, but alas, I was mostly an ABC soap gal in the '70s and '80s. I read that she lives one town away from me, so I am hoping to run into her someday at Starbucks, buy her a coffee, and thank her for all the joy she has brought me in her Y&R run. Oh, how I want her to get a Daytime Emmy as a guest performer. She absolutely deserves it.

Her portrayal of Jordan is both terrifying and hilarious. She is a perfect soap villain. I tweeted this out mid-show Thursday because I was just taken with how fabulous she is. That scene where she's reaching her arm out at Victor with that tiny wire in her hand just made me howl. If you weren't paying attention, rewind Thursday's show and watch her facial expressions and her hands trying to stab at Victor. Comedy gold, I tell you. I rewound it and watched it five times.

The bad thing is we can't keep her. Like all soap villains, every now and then, they have to pay for their crimes. But I hope Jordan is one of those villains who pops up again next year. She is far too magnificent for just a single run.

We are faced with the same dilemma over on General Hospital right now. Alley Mills is fantastic as Heather Webber, but even though the writers want to redeem her and blame her serial killing on a bad hip replacement (No, seriously, that's what they came up with...), we don't want Heather redeemed. We like her kooky and dangerous, with moments of humanity sprinkled in.

The same goes for Jordan. Colleen Zenk has made Jordan crazy -- but also someone we feel sorry for. In her warped worldview, Jordan thinks she is avenging her sister. And now that Victor has her caged up like a zoo animal, I can't help but feel compassion for her. No criminal or mentally ill person deserves the treatment Victor is giving her. When he declared that he had no sense of decency, it was kind of nice to hear him admit it.

I assumed that when the well-meaning Michael and Cole tried to sneak Jordan out of the wine jail under Victor's nose, something would go terribly wrong, and Jordan would escape. Where did they think they could take her? Is there a fireproof prison somewhere? Like Heather Webber on GH, Jordan cannot be contained, and no matter where they put her, she will find a way out. I mean, she has disguises for days.

But no. Before they even get the chance to try to move Jordan, they trip the security system, and Victor walks in, towering over them like Darth Vader. My husband Jeff, who pretends he doesn't watch my soaps, said, "Isn't Victor like James Bond villain rich? Shouldn't you have to have an eye scan to get into his secret lair or cut off his hand to get his palm print?" Funny. But seriously. Walking into a cabinet seems like pretty low security for what is going on down there. I can hardly wait for Monday's episode to see how this all blows up!

Unlike Jordan, Ashley has no disguises, just accents, outfits, and hairstyles to let us know when we are dealing with one of her alter egos. I think I am ready for this to be done. I have been thoroughly enjoying watching Eileen Davidson flex her muscles playing four distinctly different characters, but I'm ready for the payoff.

The one part of this storyline that is bothering me is the fact that Abby is not involved at all. Abby is Ashley's only child, and the fact that she doesn't even really know her mom has multiple personalities is a disconnect for me. Aunt Traci and Uncle Jack aren't filling Abby in on her mother's condition? Ashley is missing, and they called all over town, looking for her, but no one reached out to Abby? Make it make sense. Of course, we the viewers know Ashley was with Tucker.

Dearest readers, I know some of you will disagree, but when this is over, I want "Tashley." I want Tucker and Ashley to reunite. I don't care if Jack has a conniption over it. I want them back together. I think they are endgame.

On Thursday, I tweeted that Tucker was the person who realized something was wrong with Ashley. He was saying it when no one listened or believed him. He has been watching out for Ashley and trying to help her, loving her silently and from afar. One of my followers said, "But he was sleeping with Audra and proposed to her."

Well, yeah, no one is perfect. But let's be real, my soapy friends. Have you ever told everyone in your life, "Oh, I'm totally over that guy. I have moved on." But you are absolutely not over that guy and have not moved on, and you pine for him day and night?

Tucker believed he had no chance with Ashley. Ashley declared she was done with him, and she lied about him being violent with her. He believed it until he found out she was mentally unstable and didn't even really know what happened in Paris. Tucker and Audra fought multiple times because Audra believed that Tucker was still caught up in Ashley. She was right.

Despite his declarations of love for Audra, his mind was still on Ashley and her well-being. I don't think he was lying to Audra. I think he has affection for her, but not what he feels for Ashley. Tucker's true fault was that he didn't want to be alone, so he pursued Audra when he thought Asley wasn't an option. But once Dr. Alan works his magic and she is whole again, I want those two crazy kids back together.

Or is Dr. Alan part of the trauma Ashley faced in Paris? We determined it was not Tucker; he came back to Genoa City immediately. When Ashley first saw Dr. Alan in Paris, what happened? Did he date rape her? Did he hypnotize her? Is he a friend or foe? Maybe he wants her, and he planted the story about Tucker becoming violent in her brain to make her end her marriage. I just can't decide if I should trust him or not. He seems so nice and too good to be true, so he probably is.

Getting Ashley back in one piece won't be simple, though. Discovering that Audra is in Paris, taking Glissade meetings without Tucker, and that Alan is taking Ashley back to his clinic in Paris -- I can see the storm clouds brewing. One of Ashley's alters wants to murder Tucker. One of Ashley's alters wants to seduce Tucker. Which one will Tucker run into when he goes to Paris to stop Audra and Nate from taking over his company?

Nate and Audra have potential. I like them together more than I like Audra with Tucker, or Nate with Victoria. Is Elena even in Genoa City anymore? She vanished from the landscape after she and Nate ended things. Brytni Sarpi should head back to GH as Valerie Spencer. They need some more cops on the Port Charles Police Department. When Audra and Nate started sharing life stories, it felt like this was going to be more than a casual fling. I can see the two of them being good for each other.

Claire could be good for Harrison, and after a talk with her parents, it seems that Summer is coming around. After Kyle told her that Harrison had a meltdown when he thought he saw Jordan, Summer looked devastated. When she saw Harrison with Claire after the very fake Ferris wheel ride, and his giant smile, Summer invited Claire to become a regular part of his life. I think it helped that Claire made a point to sit down with Summer and talk to her about her decision not to accept the nanny position.

A few rumors are swirling that Kyle and Claire may start dating, and that development might send Summer through the roof. Although I was convinced that Summer had found something genuine with Chance, he has been backburnered. Why? My guess is the writers decided they would rather write a love triangle with Kyle, Summer, and Claire. My least favorite thing on soaps is storylines that just vanish without a trace. Don't get me started on Sharon's story-go-round.

Although Y&R used two too many fake backgrounds for me on Friday, I did enjoy the change of scenery. On GH, they actually go outside in L.A. And sure, I have to try not to see the palm trees in upstate New York, but it's better than the background horse video Victoria and Claire were standing in front of today. However, that notwithstanding, that was a beautiful scene. Amelia Heinle and Hayley Erin are doing such beautiful work as a mother and daughter bonding after decades of separation. On the show, baby Eve was born in 1998, so Claire would be 25. Victoria missed the first two and a half decades of her daughter's life!

Every time that missing time hits her, we see it on her face. I am glad that Victoria doesn't want to go back to work because I like this softer, maternal version of Victoria. And no, I am not anti-feminist -- quite the opposite. But the writers always write her so mean and cold when she's at work. I know hundreds of working women, and only a handful have been mean. Most of them are warm, lovely, talented, vibrant, brilliant, and accomplished without being witches in the office.

When Victoria does get back to work, I hope the writers can incorporate this new softness into her work persona. I hope they can give her some grace toward her brother Adam. I want to see her growth carry into the corporate world.

Nikki's welcome-home lunch had a nice scene with Phyllis and Nikki, it almost made me believe in the new and improved Phyllis. But then she started pumping Nikki for info on Claire. I still feel like a Phyllis/Claire confrontation is coming. Phyllis either needs a new job, a new man, or both, because a Phyllis with too much time on her hands is never a good thing.

Readers, I have a hunch that another romantic quadrangle is in the works. Connor's struggle to get his OCD under control is drawing Adam and Chelsea closer and closer as they work together to support their child. How long will it be before their tears turn to kisses? And if/when that happens, where will that leave Sally and Billy? Maybe Billy will be the next rich guy in Genoa City to fund Sally and Chloe's flailing design business, or fashion business -- I am not quite sure where they landed.

Romantic entanglements aside, Connor's OCD seems to be worsening, and no progress or improvement can be seen. I say again as a woman who has kids in her family who struggle with their mental health, Y&R has done a wonderful job of portraying the angst of families who desperately want to help their children and don't know how. Every decision you make is a shot in the dark because you don't know which treatment or medication will be the thing that helps your kid. My only hope is that the writers wrap this up on a hopeful note, with Connor finding tools to manage his OCD and getting back into a healthy relationship with his parents. I think any other ending would discourage families from seeking help for their children.

My dear and patient readers, I know that I should probably write a long paragraph about the inner struggles of the gang at Chancellor-Winters and all their corporate drama and shenanigans, but it's boring, and I don't want to. Everyone, including longtime rivals Jill and Aunt Mamie, to the next generation of rivals, Lily, Devon, Nate, Abby, and Billy have all become very tiresome to me.

I wish with all my heart that Katherine and Neil could come back from the dead and fire all their whiny family members. Or maybe just come back as ghosts and haunt them until they shape up. I will never stop missing Jeanne Cooper and Kristoff St. John.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will we find the missing Sharon and Chance also locked in dungeons in Victor's basement? Will Michael Baldwin get fired by Victor for the 100th time? Will the Brussel sprout growers of America sue CBS for portraying their vegetables as torture? Will Nikki be able to hang on to her newfound sobriety when she learns Jordan is alive and in her home?

Will Belle be the personality who emerges as the dominant one so Ashley can use that southern accent? Will Jack start popping pills again when he realizes he jeopardized years of sobriety for Nikki to go to a long weekend rehab? Will the feelings Victoria has for Cole still burn hot once she discovers that he knew about Jordan and the Brussels sprouts?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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