If you can't be with the one you love...

Phyllis eluded hospital security, dealt with a masher, and hitchhiked to Genoa City quicker than Victor could get Faith's paternity tested. Mariah wanted to be Nick's bride, but became a bridesmaid instead. Jack thinks that his love for Kelly is real, but will he feel the same way when he sees Phyllis? Will Christine's chronic criticism push Nikki and Paul together? Is Neil so blind that he will not see the attraction between Devon and Hilary?

Hold on to your hats, folks! Phyllis is back, and it is going to be a bumpy, bumpy ride, or at least I hope so! The potential is certainly there for some great showdowns. First up, the Phyllis versus Kelly smackdown and then the main event: Phyllis goes to the mat with Sharon for all the marbles.

What worries me is that it's the end of September, and we've still got a month to go until November sweeps. Is it possible to stretch the story out for another month? God, I hope not. I was way off target last year when I predicted that the secret about Summer's paternity would emerge during November sweeps -- 2013! I was totally off base about the pace. The phrases "Slower than molasses" and "Beating a dead horse" leap to mind. If it doesn't happen by mid-November 2014, please shoot me in the head, with a water gun, a small one, filled with tepid water... It's the thought that counts!

One thing I found jarring about Phyllis is that she no longer has long red hair. It's short and brown. It's realistic to think that comatose patients would have short hair because it would be easier to care for and keep healthy, but it is not easy to accept that Phyllis has brown hair. She is supposed to be a natural redhead. A Phyllis without red hair is not Phyllis, unless Jack changes the name of the perfume he created for her to "Brown Velvet."

I really have to wonder what the show is thinking. Why didn't they use some of Dylan's henna, or put Gina Tognoni in a great wig? It's hard enough to accept a different actress, even a great one, if she doesn't resemble the role, at least superficially, in the beginning. Once we accept her, she can give up the wig or the henna, and we won't even notice because we will be captivated by her performance. Tognoni has a hard act to follow, but I am intrigued by how she's starting out, and I can't wait to see where it goes. Maybe we'll find out that Phyllis had been coloring her hair for all those years and nobody ever knew, not even Avery, until it grew out while she was institutionalized. I could live with that explanation.

There is no doubt that Phyllis will make mincemeat out of Kelly, who is no match for the powerhouse Ms. Summers. Kelly's heart still belongs to daddy, but since he's not around, she might have to rely on mama and love the parent she is with. Jack will no doubt love the one he is with. He will defend Kelly and feel obligated to do the noble thing and keep his commitment to her, but his heart will be torn, and in the end, it will depend on whether it's Phyllis or Kelly who has the best chemistry with Jack.

Moving right along to the upcoming nuptials between Sharon and Nick... What's the point of a soap wedding if one or two folks don't "Speak now" instead of "Forever holding their peace?" This is the perfect opportunity for Phyllis to arrive at the wedding site and announce that Sharon tampered with the paternity test and/or Sharon was with Phyllis when she fell. So the question is, will the wedding and confrontation happen before November sweeps, or will it take Phyllis 30 days to make it from the Genoa City welcome sign to the scene of the wedding? Maybe only 24 hours will pass for Phyllis while a month passes for everyone else.

Victor is also scheming to scream, "Halt the wedding." He was practically salivating as he personally delivered that champagne glass and hairbrush to Switzerland for DNA testing. Victor is going to be disappointed, unless his high-priced lab botches the test. I don't know about you, but unlike Nick, if there were three champagne glasses sitting on the coffee table when I left the room, and mine was missing when I came back, I'd notice. If not at the time, then certainly when I cleaned up and loaded the dishwasher, but I digress. Back to Victor, who did not correctly decipher Sharon's cryptic dreamspeak.

When Mariah reported that Sharon had said, "Not her father," both Mariah and Victor thought that Sharon meant Faith. Neither of them guessed that Sharon probably meant Summer and Jack. The odds do favor Nick as Summer's biological dad, but until we know for sure (Please God, let it end), there is still a miniscule modicum of hope for those who want Jack to be Summer's dad and for Sharon to have hallucinated everything except Phyllis and the fall.

Most folks seem to be betting that Nick will call off the wedding once Phyllis or Victor or both drop a bombshell. I don't think so. I think Nick will stick this time, even though he hasn't in the past. My gut, and the many romance novels written by purportedly happily married women, all support the premise that if a man has true love for a woman, he will stick with her no matter what, even if she's a murderer. He will help her get away with it if he can, unless he's one of those "take responsibility" types, but even then, even if he turns her in, he'll get her the best lawyer, he will be there for her all the way, all the way to that lethal injection! Now that's three-hankie love and the kind that I hope Nick has for Sharon, well up to the "No matter what," part. Ignore everything after, which even by my relaxed standards is a little out of my comfort zone.

Happily, in Sharon's case, she has the best of all reasons for her wackadoodle actions (and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible). Sharon was legally out of her mind. She was mentally ill, and she was not responsible for her choices or aware of her actions, plus that ECT wiped out all the bad stuff she ever did, and Nick has pledged that nothing will come between them. Nick wants to put his family back together also.

Nick is going to protect Sharon this time instead of running out on her like he did when Cassie died. Nick will be in knight-on-white-charger mode, and I'm all for it. These two have great chemistry, matched only by Lauren and Michael, and Hilary and Devon in my opinion (IMO). Before they break them up, the powers that be better find a pairing that stirs me as much as Sharon and Nick, or I will be very unhappy -- and to paraphrase Bruce Banner, "You won't like me when I'm unhappy."

I don't know what new crisis is in store for Michael and Lauren, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. According to my friend Bessie, Michael is in denial and will continue to use drugs to jumpstart his sex life so he can be with the one he loves. If Michael ignores his symptoms, he may face a life-threatening disease. That will make it crying time for Lauren, who excels at sobbing and handwringing with hardly any runny mascara.

Fen is on his way back home. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I wonder if he has been away long enough in soap time to have earned his degree or if he will transfer back to GCU so that he can be around to support Lauren during Michael's crisis. It's hard to tell with soap kids, what with SOWAS (Soap Opera Weird Aging Syndrome) and all.

Devon and Hilary, now there's a pair. They are great together. They smolder. I almost like them better apart and star-crossed, snatching little pieces of happiness wherever they can. And talk about none-so-blind-as-those-who-will-not-see, Neil is the poster boy. For a guy that's supposed to be smart, he doesn't seem to know enough about psychology to grasp that constantly throwing two young virile people together can't help but strike sparks, out of empathy and loss, if nothing else.

When Neil gets his eyesight back, and we know that he will, he's going to see the yearning looks that pass between Hilary and Devon and will finally wise up. What he does about it will be interesting. Neil was not revenge-oriented when he discovered that Hilary was the blogger. This time, betrayal by his wife and son might have a different effect on Neil. I think I'd like it if Neil went to the dark side for a while and pulled the wool over Hilary's eyes and kept Devon in the dark.

Christine is mean. She's the queen of mean and really quick to rush to judgment on the flimsy circumstantial evidence the police have against Dylan. They didn't find any of Ian's blood on anything of Dylan's, and they didn't find any of Dylan's blood on anything of Ian's, so it's preposterous to arrest Dylan because he had the same mud on his shoes that was found on Ian's clothes. Since they dragged the quarry where both Dylan and Ian supposedly got the mud and did not find Ian's body, how can they assume that Ian is dead or that Dylan killed him?

If Ian's body is not in the quarry, where did Dylan hide it, and how did he get it there? Since he was on foot, did he just sling Ian over his shoulder and, unnoticed carry him around like a sack of potatoes until he found a place to deposit Ian where the body would not be found? And what is the answer to all these questions, fellow fan addicts? Repeat after me, "It's only a soap!"

We have certainly not seen the last of Ian, who I am sure will hatch another devious revenge plot. I have to admit that I was wrong about who would go on trial for Ian's murder. I said Nikki in a blackout with a letter opener, but it looks like Dylan in a blackout with his bare hands, instead. Someone will certainly kill Ian sometime, somewhere, but like Carmine, Ian has a lot of villainy left. However, I don't think the show has made as good use out of Ray Wise as they could have, and if they can't do better than all this cartoonish, lip-curling foolishness then I am ready for the showdown and the wind-down.

The stress placed on Nikki by Ian is her McGuffin, her Maltese Falcon, her reason to fall off the wagon. In my universe, reasons are defined as fancy excuses. What Nikki really did was make a choice. I can empathize because recently, I made a choice to fall off the sugar wagon, and the price I paid was the worst pain I could have imagined. Nikki's MS may cause a similar devastation to Nikki, but not before she and Maureen get to know each other better and Nikki hits rock bottom again. She may be tried for Ian's murder yet. In fact, Nikki might even kill him in self-defense. Hmm, hasn't Nikki killed before? Is there such a thing as a serial self-defense killer?

Since there wasn't much going on last week story-wise, I started looking at the fashions. I never claimed to be a fashionista, but I know what I like, and I did not like a few of the wardrobe choices. I am willing to concede that it is very possible that I know nothing about fashion. Maybe the clothes were deliberately ugly, chosen to convey clever comments about certain characters' attributes through their couture.

My first thought was that the only outfits uglier than the ones that Christine had on were those that Summer wore. I didn't care for the jacket that Jill sported when she met with Lauren, either. Lauren looked nice. Jill looked like she was wearing something made our of a flour sack, like my grandmother used to whip up whenever she needed a new "Sunday go to meetin' dress." Maybe that's the latest fashion fad, and I am out of the loop or just plain loopy.

I thought maybe it was only the mean characters that had to wear ugly clothes because of Jill and Christine, who was sweet and nice when she was Cricket but is insipid, insecure, and whiny as Christine. Again, IMO. Maybe it's just her clothes speaking, because I thought that orange dress covered by that green jacket was very garish, though it did reflect the fall colors, and no one except someone as pale as Christine could have pulled it off, but it was so at odds with the stylish strapless numbers that Sharon and Abby were wearing in their scenes. They seemed elegant, though I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would pick a strapless dress for work or for shopping, but I'm not them.

I thought that the blouse that Christine wore earlier in the week was equally ugly. At first I thought she was wearing her pajamas to work, then I realized that the sleeves had some kind of see-through black lace band. Right then, I knew that I could never mix with polite society because I would never, ever wear either one of those outfits -- well maybe the top if the whole thing were black. Ditto the work outfit if I absolutely had to wear a skirt, though I can't think of anywhere that I would go where pants aren't worn, because if I can't wear pants, I don't go there.

I really didn't get Summer's wardrobe, either, which made me feel totally out of touch with people who are in their twenties. At first, when I saw her in that black and white outfit -- you know, the one with the demure top and the satiny lace trimmed shorts -- I thought she wasn't finished dressing. I thought that Summer was wearing something that we used to call "pantaloons" that we wore under skirts instead of slips so boys couldn't look up our skirts at our unmentionables. Now we just wear pants.

After gawking through a few scenes, the more I looked at Summer, the more I imagined her as a Rockette. It would not have surprised me if she had started tap-dancing. I did not think Summer's clothes could get worse, but that shapeless animal print looked so matronly that it held no appeal for me either. Maybe that sack look is all the rage, the bee's knees, rad, fab, and all that jazz. Sadly I have become my grandmother. I have an awesome collection of sweatpants for the winter, and I wear socks with my Birkenstocks. "Oh, woe is me! "

To be fair, perhaps Christine is getting the ugly outfits because she is insecure and needy, and the clothes are a reflection of that. If so, the wardrobe selection is actually genius. They do say that "Clothes make the man," so why not the woman? Those lace bands looked like gamblers' armbands, and in a sense, Christine is risking her marriage on the gamble that she can make Nikki and Dylan disappear from Paul's life. In her green-for-envy jacket and her orange-for-notice-me dress, Christine forced Paul to act against Dylan on the skimpiest of evidence and pushed Paul further away even as she tried to draw him closer. Not the way to handle it, Christine. Didn't you learn anything from that fiasco with Fen, Michael, and Lauren where you were wrong, wrong, wrong to go after your friends for a crime that never happened?

I suppose I could make the same analysis of Summer's outfits. The first one, featuring a demure fifties house frau top, lacking pillbox hat, above and faux lingerie below, was perhaps Summer's vision of Austin's perfect partner in a private intimate setting. And maybe wearing that shapeless dress in public was Summer's way of announcing that she was with the one she loved. Perhaps fashion, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.

Summer should probably start worrying about the growing bond between Mariah and Austin. Mariah seems to want men who love the one they're with. I don't think it will take much time in soap days for Mariah to start trying to convince Austin that even though Austin is with Summer, Mariah should be the one he loves.

I thought that Nikki had a "saint and sinner" look going on with that black see-through blouse and her hot pink skirt. Her soon-to-be BFF and drinking buddy, Maureen, looked suitably dowdy. I do think there is the potential for a great story between Nikki and Maureen and between Maureen and her children. I hope that The Young and the Restless tells those stories in a powerful way.

I am still convinced that Maureen killed her abusive husband and that her son, Ben, took the blame. Was daddy dearest molesting Kelly? Was that why Maureen sent Kelly to boarding school, so that Kelly could be protected? How far can this story go? Can it be helpful and promote emotional healing for those who have known abuse. I hope so.

Melissa Clare Egan is a man magnet. I don't think there is any guy on the show that she's played opposite of that MCE did not click with. She definitely gets the award for being absolutely the best at loving the one she's with.

Look how Chelsea clicked with this Billy -- who I can't even think of as actual Billy, just Generic Billy -- Billy is better with MCE than anyone else, even Victoria. I'm still thinking that the baby will be Billy's, but somehow the paternity test will get changed to Ben, and Victor will make it happen.

Yes, it's been done before, which is why Victor had to go to Sweden, because in Genoa City, anyone can walk into a secured lab and hack a pass-protected computer when no one is looking. Also, now that he has a Swedish connection, it will make it easier for Victor to fake the results when he blackmails... Say it loud, say it proud, "It's only a soap!"

I sure hope Y&R gets the "hitch out of their get along" and moseys on a little faster, otherwise I'll have to rag on the men's wardrobe next, or start obsessing on the tedious and boring -- let me count the ways -- snooze! I warn you, Y&R, this is not a casual threat! I can be boring, very, very boring. Don't make me get snarky!

Until we meet again in Genoa City with our imaginary friends, take care, fellow fan addicts, and remember that if you love the one you're with, you'll be with the one you love!

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