Off with their heads!

If uttering hypocritical statements caused an elongating of the nose, none in this town would ever need fret about being cheated on again.

If uttering hypocritical statements, rather than bold-faced lies, caused an elongating of the nose, none in this town would ever need fret about being cheated on again, because no two bodies could get close enough to commit an adulterous or amorous act. And I'm happy to see I'm not the only one thinking about hypocrites this week. The last fan comment from Tracy below proves she was thinking some of these things too.

Hypocritical Hen #1 (for the remainder of this column, such dishonorable divas shall be referred to as HH's) is Victoria. How magnanimous of the Newman heiress to graciously forgive Brad's slip and fall atop Sharon's curves. I suppose the hurting hypocrite was simply wandering blindly along, her eyes awash with tears, and didn't know until it was too late that she had accidentally tumbled onto J.T.'s little tool. I guess that makes us even, she spat out at Brad when he questioned her about hiring the PI to sniff out Brad and Sharon's indiscretion. So, does that then mean that the score is Brad one, Victoria, two, since she isn't even close to coming clean about how she truly evened the score. Why must these people make soap life so complicated? If the marriage is over, if she no longer loves her cad, Brad, then why doesn't she just end things and then get entangled with J.T., who himself isn't such a great catch, considering all the times he's cheated on those he allegedly loves.

HH #2? Well that would be Nikki Newman. NOW she wants to go forward with the vision of Clear Springs? Some of her previous objections: Jack's numbers were inflated; it was too risky, etc. etc. So how hypocritical is it that now that Victor's re-bought her little NVP bauble and given it back to her to play with, she's all about Clear Springs. But not so much that she's going to take the chance of openly running NVP herself in case it somehow poisons her political plans. How is she going to do that, by the way? With Nick temporarily dead, Jack and Phyllis fired, and Victor busily trotting his aged behind all over the globe in search of the son he's rarely seen outside of the border of a photograph, who exactly will be running NVP again? I know, perhaps I should be thrilled on her behalf that Nikki has regained control of NVP. But ask me if I care and I will tell you I don't. Because it wasn't as if Victor or Nikki were actually doing any of the humdrum day to day. No, that was handled by Jack and Phyllis. Nikki's principal duty for NVP was to sit in Victor's office, moaning, groaning and complain about the company she no longer owned, but didn't labor in anyway.

HH #3. Gloria Abbott. So she thinks J.T. ought to be locked up for what he did to Kevin; cold-cocking him with a coffee carafe? Hmmm, well what does that say about the justice of her calculating carcass being placed in lockup in the cell right next to him for what she's done to practically everyone? What she said to Lauren, however, contained no hint of hypocrisy. In fact she has probably never uttered a truer statement. Lauren has definitely proven that though she may have been born a Fenmore, she is indeed a lying, scheming, Baldwin through and through now.

HH #4. Colleen I'm a Grown up Carlton living on tips and Uncle Jack's generosity. So she's mad 'cause Daddy didn't tell her he snuck and did Sharon? You're a liar she accused heatedly. Well, Coll, that means the little green apple didn't roll far from the base of the Daddy tree that bore it. Because this little girl has done little else but lie since the moment she moved past puberty. You made me pick between you and Adrian the whiny one complained. She did? When? And how did I miss that? Seems to me all these months the only thing she picked between was whether to toss on Adrian's robe or his shirt once they'd finished sweating up the sheets. Although I confess I laughed gleefully when she told Victoria all about herself for sneaking behind Daddy and hiring J.T.. Colleen, if you only knew what she did with your ex-boyfriend, again, you'd really be giving her a piece of your anger and giving her even more attitude about her hypocritical self.

HH #5. Lauren Baldwin. Take a vacation from attorney client privilege she advised her mate. Looks like it's Flea and Tick spray all around for every Baldwin body that laid down next to Gloria's insect infested behind and came up covered themselves. Michael says he's bewitched anew by his Fenmore bride. But I wonder, is it her beauty and brains that so titillates his libido, or is it the fact that she not only overlooks his criminal tendencies, but even comes up with ways of her own that could help him continue to sidle along the edges of the laws of ethics and legalities.

But don't think the hens are pecking in the dirt all alone in their hypocrisy. There's also a couple of hypocritical hims (also known as HH's) around as well.

The main one being, HH Barrister Baldwin, of course. I didn't hear that, I didn't see that, I didn't read that, is his standard response to just about everything his family says or does these days. Yet only moments later, he's all eyes and amused chuckling while chugging down caffeine reading J.T.'s emails over hacker's, I mean, Kevin's shoulder. When Baldwin talks these days, you can safely mute the sound and be reasonably certain you're not missing anything important. Because the only sentences he'll be uttering are those that rationalize the reasons for any wrongdoing for himself or on behalf of the criminally-minded members of his immediate family. So he's thinking furiously about how to leak the sale information about Jabot and Jack without anyone pointing a stiff finger of blame in his direction. This man needs to be stripped of his licence to practice crime and be immediately disbarred. By the way, and having nothing to do with this particular subject, I guess Michael wasn't thinking too much about the welfare or job security of his so-called best bud in his zeal to ingratiate himself with the great and power wizard of GC.

Victor Newman earns a HH title in tiny type, too. Not so much for anything hypocritical he's said, but more for his somewhat hypocritical actions in finally stepping in and showing some concern for Victor Jr. Yes, I know, he was only honoring Hope's wishes by staying so far in the background of Jr's life, he couldn't be seen, heard or smelled from a distance. But, come on, this is Victor Newman. Since when does he do anything for anyone else that isn't in his own best interests? Of course, all this latent concerns hits that high, false note of plot contrivance with me. Like it's at all believable that supposed good son, Victor Jr, way out there on that lonely Kansas farm, his character completely untouched and unspoiled by the dirt and immorality that presumably the Newman millions would attract, would suddenly desert his poor, blind Mommy to seek fortune and fame with bad company.

Okay, enough about the hypocrites. On to the rest of the GC world.

Still roaming around, his soul apparently stuck between two worlds, John the apparition flew in for another visit with his son. I wonder if he ever floats over to the B&B set to give a shout out to Abby and Ashley? And wonder of wonders, this time he came bearing a verbal gift from Cassie to Sharon. It seems Cassie's been watching Mommy pray of a night. And bids her good night with wispy wind kisses. Sharon's reaction to the news was nicely understated, although I was watching for that single tear used so often in soap moments like these. But nothing tops the tearful, overwhelmed, but at the same time, completely ecstatic reaction of the Mommy on The Sixth Sense when son Cole related the words his Grandmommy spoke from the afterlife about her daughter.

I was happy to see that Ji Min finally opened up and told Jill "the rest of the story". I am really loving these two together. A real couple that came together pretty much naturally. Okay so they were given just a little nudge with the help of Gloria's narcotics. But not much. These two were already attracted to one another. And it took no elaborate schemes or convoluted plots and subplots on Jill's part to entice the handsome chemist/CEO under her covers. Once the stiff and stodgy Bardwell bobble head doll had been edged out of the way, that is. Jill and Ji Min are quickly becoming one of my reasons for continuing to tune in and are turning out to be a rare shiny jewel glittering up from the morass of immoral humanity this city has become.

Speaking of a banal bobble head, not surprisingly, Gloria's jealousy inducing tricks worked like a charm and the doddering dope of a DA pledged his troth to the old troll. For Gloria, manipulation and dishonesty worked the last time she tried to land a wealthy sucker. So why wouldn't it work again? But remember what people say, William. You really do get what you pay for. And what he is paying for is something any sane person would wrap twine around and place on the curb on garbage pick up day. I hope he hasn't got his heart too set on waking to the mouth-watering scent of home baked goodies, or the sensuous perfume of blooms grown in his very own garden, after being tended to by his green thumb new bride. Unless of course, he's living in the AC, where he can smell the morning baking and have flowers delivered daily to his suite. And the garden it is presumed is the pride of his palace, well, I'm guessing it will go straight to seed before Gloria is spotted toiling in an attempt to harvest any of its prize blooms.

Of course, Jill's favors notwithstanding, I hope Ji Min won't have cause to regret tossing Jack to the wolf pack of Victor and Michael. Sure, Jack did some occasional tugging of the strings, when it was deemed due, but his intermittent interferences may turn out to have been but a wee drop in the bucket when compared against the autocratic commands of Katherine the Great, formerly Katherine the Gullible. Gullible because if she thinks Ji Min an utter fool for being hoodwinked by Jack, I wonder what that makes her, for the ease with which Gloria and Michael led her all around the mulberry bush while her eyes were wide open. Anyway, with constantly calculating Gloria seldom reporting for any real work and Kevin constantly straining the bonds of ethical behavior, you would think that instead of chastising and attempting to shoo away the mighty Min, Kay should be dropping to her creaky knees and uttering effusive thanks for the one working bee buzzing in and out of the Jabot hive. Poor Ji Min, I guess he's just destined to prance upon the GC stage as a puppet. First it was Jack, followed by Victor and Michael who laughed while his limbs gyrated grotesquely in a macabre dance, now it's Kay's gnarled hands on his strings, pulling and jerking him wildly about.

I'm glad Jill stood her ground to keep Ji Min around, even if it meant continuing to occupy the third in command (behind Kay and Ji Min) seat. Because Kay seemed determined to ensure her daughter wound up with the same life lead by her and her manless maid. Alone and lonely, with nothing but bittersweet and increasingly distant memories of how it feels to fall asleep with your limbs entwined with your lover's. Then, side by side in the mausoleum like a female trio of hear no, see no, speak no, the Chancellor mansion ladies could watch from the sidelines as other people lived, loved and prematurely passed to the shadow life of the dead or undead, depending on who you used to be.

Too bad Jack couldn't just say no to Kay's under market value offer, quit the Senator's race and let the cow chips just fall in a steaming, smelly pile. Sure, there would be a lawsuit, but Jack should have been able to locate a crafty legal eagle somewhere that could have kept it tied up in courtroom battles for some time to come. Michael can't be the only unethical barrister about.

I don't know about anyone else, but I laughed till I tumbled off the couch at Colleen's determination to dig up something smelly and moldy in J.T.'s life. Because I find it so hilarious when so many people in this town constantly claim all they want to do is move on with their meaningless lives, without the he or she they used to love but now they hate, cluttering up their path. Yet, they constantly revisit the same old people, places and situations, seeming to ensure they will ever remain an integral and interfering part of one another's lives. Instead of being out for J.T.'s blood, Colleen should have sent him a dozen daffodils. As thanks to him for blowing his little gym whistle on her professor and her. Because now they can finally go public, and she can fawn all over her beau no matter how many of her fellow college students are looking askance at them.

But having said that, however, I couldn't get too upset at her plan. Have computer, I will hack it, should be printed in tiny type at the bottom of Kevin's resume. Friend or foe, or friend or family or adversary of an acquaintance, it really doesn't matter. They're all pretty much the same to Kevin. It's not as if he has much else to do. So why not rack up a sack full of potential favors owed from his less technologically inclined fellow city dwellers?

The only thing I didn't like was how boringly predictable and way too coincidental it was that they would almost immediately unearth the one incriminating email airing the dirty laundry of Brad and Sharon. So where was the most recent email revelation? You know the one that should have read something like: Victoria, I'm not going to apologize for ramming right in when you draped your pregnant self all over me while weeping on my shoulder over your husband's infidelity. I hope it was good for you too.

Okay, so what is it about the Newmans that as usual they always get to win and get all they want? For instance, Clear Springs was all Jack's brainchild. Victoria and Nikki were nothing but thumbs down. But now they have taken it away and all the money it is bound to generate will be deposited right into the Newman coffers. And remember when Neil did all the work on Granville, only to have Mr. Newman (as in Mr. Brad Newman) step in at the finale and take all the credit and the control? It seems like it's been ages since any of these so called business men or woman had an original thought. They just hide high in the trees like vultures, waiting for something to die, or they kill it themselves, so they can go and pick the meat off the bones. Is that the backbone of Victor's yearly business plan? Wait until someone else has done the work, then buy the product of their sweat and tears right out from under them. John and Jack carefully and painstakingly spread mortar and layered bricks to build Jabot, scent by scent, cosmetic by cosmetic and when it was in its prime, the Black Vulture Victor swooped down from where he'd been tirelessly wheeling in circles, waiting, and picked it off the public market for himself.

NVP was someone else brainchild. Sure Nikki's little age-repellent lotion was the nugget that gave Phyllis the idea, but that's pretty much all Nikki had. A way to make the cream. The rest of the plan was all Phyllis. And all Victor did was throw money at it. Now Nikki is pretending she actually had something substantial to do with its success.

And lastly, and on a completely superficial note, someone hand me my ticket book, because I'm going to scribble out a citation for Colleen for wearing those hot (as in temperature) knee high boots with that damn near to the ground dress. It's the end of May, for goodness sake, and I'm in the Midwest just like they are. I put my boots away months ago and every woman I see is in flip flops, shorts and sandals or fresh summer frocks.

Anyways, so much for what I thought. Here's how you fans saw the week.

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KYLIE - Once again you're right on the money with your views! You say exactly what I'm thinking. This week, I couldn't agree with you more about the river of tears known as Phyllis. Trust me Nita, you are not cold and uncaring, because I also was unmoved by a lot of the grief over the loss of Nicholas. Might be because we KNOW HE ISN'T DEAD! All this melodrama with no real suspense or mystery! I guess it was just another sudden plot device to score more reel for Michelle Stafford for her 2008 Emmy bid. I'm pretty sick and tired of seeing her in every thing, every day. You're so right - how could she not be up for another Emmy when she gets more meaty storylines and playtime than just about anyone else? I know the show would survive if she wasn't on ALL the time. I'm sick of her and her crocodile tears. I thought that "da-da" scene was kinda funny. Perhaps a little over done there, just a tad. I'm sick of the whip-lash storylines. I think the writers believe the fans have ADD because they have these daily cliff hangers as if they don't think our attention span lasts more than 5 minutes and we can't sustain a story arch for more than a day or two. Geez. I also think as a result of this speed-writing, just about all of the big storylines have been anti-climatic, to say the least. A real let down in every way - Sheila, the Reliquary, Carmen's murder, Dru's fall off the cliff, Victor's take-down of Jack, and on and on. None of these climatic endings lived up to the build-up. Perhaps that should be a hint for Lynn Marie Latham and the other writers to slow the storylines down to the level of plausibility. Keep up the great commentary Nita!

KELLY - I have to disagree with you about the speed to which the stories move along. I used to be a fan of Days of Our Lives and it moved so slow. I love the way these stories move along and things happen. They don't always talk to themselves in the name of recapping a pivotal moment.

AJR - I've been watching a few months only. So far, only one thing is a constant. Jack always gets the short end of the deal. Is he really that much worse than the rest of them? Will Victor, Nikki, and Katherine ever have to pay for any misdeeds? Will Gloria, Kevin and Michael ever get caught? Will Jack ever be vindicated for the Jabot scandal? I really get po'd when nobody ever has to pay for any misdeed.

LINDA C - I have this nightmare that since Nick is supposed to be dead, maybe Morrow comes back as Victor Jr. Please tell me that ain't gonna happen. I like the idea of it all being a bad dream. I'll have my fingers crossed.

SHANNON - I read that Joshua Morrow renewed his contract to play Nick Newman. Have you heard when he will be coming back? I'm tired of Y&R always doing this, letting the contracts run out and writing off the characters only to bring them back after they renew their contract.

MARY - I cannot see ANY real connection between Nick and Phyllis. They are NOT a good couple. I want Sharon and Nick. When they look at each other you can see a connection. There is none with Nick and Phyllis.

DOTTIE - First of all, love your take on the show. I'm sorry to say but the writers are reaching way out in space for a storyline on Nick. Didn't they just get new writers. I hate they way Nikki is acting and wouldn't we all be ashamed of ourselves if that was the grandmother to our newly born granddaughter? Victor is going to look for Victor Jr., why didn't he care about him before he lost his son Nicholas? Sri Lanka, isn't that a bit silly? Devon working with a new client? Almost as funny as Daniel into porn when he has a hot wife like Lily? I dislike the new writers and I will not tape another show until they bring something back that makes sense. I know it's a soap opera, but please.

CONNIE - I have been watching Y&R since the beginning and it seems that it has stayed with the same ol 70's mindset of sleep around, cheat on everything from taxes to marriage and no matter what don't think anything deep or move in the direction of enlightenment. The closest thing to a light bulb going off was when Nick finally left Sharon because well, it wasn't working, how original. Victor could bring some higher power into play, and the dead John could use his influence to bring a higher vibration to the overall theme, but for cryin' out loud, get Gloria out of there and give us something else to look at.

MARYANN - In agreement with Trish, where is Miguel? His character should have been at the memorial service; he practically raised Nick. Was Michael Pena (the actor) so unavailable? Also, where has Sharon's mom Doris been, what'S with all Sharon's "near deaths" lately?

JONI - It's hard to believe that Will, the wealthy DA has become a moron. The first thing that's hard to accept is that he's betrayed by Jill kissing Ji Min but not as angry when Gloria is engaged to another guy? And he is so besotted by her that he asks her to marry him, even though her behavior is over the top, highly suspicious and she is having her DNA tested to see if it's possible she tampered with (no - make that killed someone) a product that resulted in someone's death. And Mikey, Kevin and Lauren have no problem with this other than a few terse words. Please! It was bad enough watching John behave like an idiot - but to see another guy lose his mind makes me a little sick.

JAC - Phyllis is an amazing actress, who has done some amazing work on this show, she's made me cry a couple times these last few weeks, as well. I would like to say Michelle is pretty amazing too. I disagree with those who say Nick and Phyllis shouldn't be together. They quirky, and bring some fun to the show. I'm sooo annoyed with Sharon's performance though, its so repetitive. And Nikki. I just hate her now. She's never been a favorite of mine, but she's mean, and smug, and is turning into Jack if you think about it. Having Brad go to the police, shaming her whole family, then not allowing Phyllis to be a part of her own company. Also why is everyone getting over deaths so quickly? It took like three episodes for everyone to basically be over Dru. And Jack, I truly feel bad for him, he has changed. I love that he still talks to his father, and what he did to Gloria may have been out of line but she's so annoying, doing the same stuff all the time, and dragging her sons into it. Overall I believe these last couple of months have been a few of the best I've ever seen. Very action packed, with the deaths and character's changing personalities (Nikki grr). Good Year!

TRACY - Watching the show, I'm beginning to think that there's a place in the world for hypocrites. Victoria is going on and on about how Brad cheated on her, while she goes on and does the same thing with J.T.. I'm sorry, it's hard to feel anything but disgust for someone playing the victim when she is anything but. As for Michael, I almost fell off my chair laughing when he was talking to Lauren about his ethical problem. Obviously he wants to keep up the appearance of being a law abiding lawyer, but please, how many other ethical and moral rules did he break already, what's one more? As for Phylliss, she brought this on herself and she should face the consequences and stop trying to be the victim she is trying to convince so many people she is.