All about the slant

In this confusing city, it all depends on where you stand and what you've done.

For some reason, it was just a bit of a struggle to get through my week's viewing. I like many of the new changes that have been incorporated into our favorite soap recently, but a couple of times, I'm sure due to my piece meal episode watching, I found myself rewinding to catch what I thought I missed. Just a handful for examples. Gloria's comment to Jill about her lack of staff, all gleaned, presumably, from the two second tail end of Jill's cell phone conversation. And did I catnap and miss something important, or did Sharon really go from "it is what it is" to lovey-dovey husband's day adoration with no explained rhyme or reason? And what was Jana's answer to Kevin's "how did you know we had different fathers" question? Is he still facing her on the AC court, ball in hand, waiting for her answer? Lily and Daniel had their first argument over Colleen. So when did they make up? Then there was Phyllis' amnio test, which was to determine Daddy. Well, last we knew, she was commenting to Michael about how to get possible Daddy DNA. Since she already had the test, when did she get the DNA and how? Just some idle wonderings.

But getting back to the column title. In this confusing city, I guess it's all depends on where you stand and what you've done.

First up, those meddling magpies, Lily and Colleen. 'Total truth is what I expect from others, but isn't necessarily something I have to strictly follow for myself' should be their motto. Were these two like a couple of inanely twittering birds or what? I know it was mean, but was I really the only fan whose palms were itching to smack their beaks together so they would quit their childish chirping? By the 'Oh, we're just looking at J.T.'s hard drive,' one birdbrain chirps out innocently, her beady bird eyes obviously seeing nothing untrustworthy in that. 'Col's afraid' she continues. Well, tell her to take her insecure behind back home to Daddy's then. Coll's nosy, is what she should have said. And J.T. is like the only subject Coll is capable of contemplating. You know, since she has no life or apparent interests that do not revolve around all things J.T.: what he does, where he does it and what time, what he eats, thinks, dreams and talks about when she's temporarily lost his trail and can't see, hear or smell him. Because see, it's all about the slant. Mommy was wrong for her deceit, but because her friend, Colleen had a good reason, all necessary deceit and dishonesty was okay. And Lily has her own bundle of rationalized lies hidden beneath her belt. Lie and pretend you're Daniel's girl so I can throw Mommy and Daddy off my trail. Lie to my mom and steal my passport when she's not looking. Etc. Like I said, it's all about the slant. And one last thing, Lily may not be Daddy's, but she's for sure Momma's baby. The proof was in that smooth lie filled story she spun to Daniel about the GC website for new students. And she told it all without a telltale blink and an innocent look all over her face. Be careful, Daniel, one day you might wake up, roll over and find yourself looking straight into the eyes of a Dru act alike.

And Colleen is no better. Finagling a way to be alone in the loft so she could literally paw through J.T.'s drawers, looking for scraps that could contain unknown cell phone numbers of competitive maidens. Her all is fair in love and war methods to insert her sturdy self between J.T. and Mac (with loyal Lily lying through her teeth to help her - someone is following Coll and she's sooo afraid). A someone Miss Honesty was paying for his stalking services. And now she's moved on to Spy for U. How dare Victoria not tell her about her one-time tryst with J.T.? Why that liar! That low-morals sneak! Hmmm, that's funny, couldn't the same be said about her, albeit for different reasons? But see, it's all about the slant. Do unto others, but boy, they better not do it unto you. By the way, before I move on and leave Colleen to her countless insecurities, was I the only fan mopping out spewed out Pepsi after choking on that story Lily told Daniel about Colleen looking at something for school? Heck, the only degree Colleen would probably be interested in obtaining is a Masters in the advanced study of Hellstrom.

Daniel is the next body balancing precariously on my slant board. First of all, let me say that I'm in no way condoning Jack's behavior toward Phyllis as justified. No matter which way you view the situation which resulted in her spending a lusty moment or 60 of them rolling around in Jack's arms, it wasn't an act of cheating. More like a gift that Jack just happened to be in the right place at the right melancholy time to receive. I do understand his bitterness, of course. It's not easy being the last to know you came in second place. But, come on, Jack's been tussling with Phyllis over the toys in the sandbox for quite some time. He's seen and felt firsthand what she does to boy toys she doesn't want anymore. And it's not as if he none of the dirty stains on their shared laundry were left by him. Jack's a big boy. He can deal. But all that's beside the point. The point of this particular paragraph is Daniel. Am I crazy or wasn't Daniel also treating Mommy like she hitched a ride off the leper island? He was mad at her until he decided he wasn't going to be anymore. So why is he so quick to deny Jack the same privilege? What's good for the Daniel-gander is denied the Jack-goose. Apparently, the way he sees it, he can be mad, 'cause she's his Mommy, but Jack can't. Cause .... why? Again, it looks like it's all about the slant. And another thing. Since I didn't hear Daniel's sneakers slapping the ground as he raced madly after Jack in order to fling the keys to the Abbott cubbyhole in his face, apparently his recent rancor on Mommy's behalf didn't extend to repudiating Jack's free room and board. Those seemed to be mighty harsh words flowing freely from his mouth about the man who opened his heart and his home to Daniel and his breathless-voiced child bride. Okay, so he didn't exactly throw wide the doors of his home, but you know what I mean. I like Daniel, but perhaps since he feels so strongly about the man who he predicts is going to make Mommy miserable, he and Lily ought to park their designer bags in Phyllis' coat closet.

Brad's on a slant so extreme, it's a wonder he can even stand upright. Brad to Sharon: 'It's different because we've been in love for a long time.' What?????? Pardon me for exhibiting my extreme stupidity, but wasn't that the reason Sharon was so incensed with Nick? Because it wasn't just sex between Nick and the former redhead? Even Sharon, the woman many fans believe has a crown filled with boulders instead of brains, wasn't believing that bag of Brad blarney. When it comes to the meaning of love, that word may as well be in a language Brad can't read, speak or understand. Brad loves two things and both are spelled B-r-a-d and each mean Capital D-o-g. But, since it's all about the slant, Nick and Phyllis are wrong, but he and Sharon are not. Never mind that at the time he had a wife he was supposed to love, just as Nick did.

Moving on to Sharon. In her muddled mind, the slant has lessened considerably. And the low-wattage bulb in her attic has been replaced with one with a much brighter beam. I'll never know how she was able to keep that grin pinned to her lips when Brad as much as told her while she was a great New York lay, I mean lover, his heart, the rest of his body parts, and most importantly, the key to the Newman vault belonged to Victoria. And despite those packed pebbles taking up most of the brain space, Sharon was still smart enough to figure out that buttered bread, even a slice another woman had taken a bite of, would still taste better than a piece of plain white. Once Brad made it crystal clear becoming her safety net wasn't even an outside option, it didn't take Sharon long to weigh the ones she had left. Pride can be a pretty cold bedfellow. Nothing like the likes of Nick and that chest to keep things warm and toasty in the boudoir. Yes, female fans, I'm drinking ice water and fanning myself here.

With Nick back in the bedroom, it certainly looks like the young Newmans are taking the first baby steps on the road to recovery. Good thing I never believe what I think I see because I'd only be disappointed when it turned out I saw wrong. The truth is it's doubtful Sharon will be able to let bygones be bygones and forgive Nick his trespasses so quickly even though after the way she trespassed with Brad, she ought to just call it a draw and move on. And that goes double for Nick, who I doubt will be able to keep a decent distance from his former dalliance dame. After all, he hasn't so far, and with all the businesses existing uneasily under one big Newman roof, you know it's only a matter of time before Nick and Phyllis are thrown into one another's business company again. So what will keep them stranded together this time. A hail storm? A tornado? An earthquake? And should that happen, where is Sharon going to turn, but to her sister-in-law's husband. And something tells me he won't be turning down that piece of pie, even if he'd just finished devouring a slab of wife cake.

What fun Kevin was this week. I was practically on the floor, my stomach in stitches, with his excellent portrayal of a wet, heavy, wool blanket on the Father's Day festivities. My rewind finger was pressing, pressing, pressing, as he invoked Terrible Tom's name at every turn. I remember when I made him breakfast in bed. He smacked me. I remember when I made Tom an ashtray. He called me stupid for not knowing he was trying to stop smoking. I remember when I had a pet goldfish. Tom thought he flushed it. Of course, it wasn't the mental and physical cruelty to a child that had me giggling, but Kevin's nonchalant determination to replace every happy face his family tried to put on things with one with a sad, downturned clown's frown. But it was the flushing of Tom's ashes that had me almost hiccupping with hilarity. Michael's outrage, paired with Kevin and Gloria's glee was priceless. It was a great scene! Much as Gloria has tweaked my last nerve lately, I'm actually on her side for a change, hoping she succeeds in pulling Kevin aboard the Abbott barge.

Carmen and Jack in the Newman break room. I'm afraid to say any more, just use your imagination on this one fans. By now you know the slant my mind often takes so I know you know the activity of which I am purposely not speaking. But because I just can't help myself, I'll say this. What the cleaning people have to put up with in this place and leave the rest of the unsavory stuff unsaid.

All fans who feel sorry for poor, poor Miss Phyllis, raise their remote controls. I'm all alone. I'm pregnant. Whatever am I to do? I'm pregnant. Nick wasn't going to come back to me anyway. I'm pregnant. You, Michael, are the only one I can count on. I'm pregnant. My men have moved on. I'm pregnant. But little do they know one of them will be tied to me forever. I'm pregnant. Although what she did for Kevin, even though it was partly to pay Ashley back in spades for her snobbishness, actually made me like Phyllis, this I'm a victim CD she has on repeat is wearing on my nerves. That Nick still has a little thing for her is obvious. And despite all he's doing and saying trying to show otherwise, so does Jack. Michael has become almost like her pet puppy, running, fetching and gamboling behind her at every turn. And Daniel is her loving son again. She's even found a friend in Lauren. So what is there to feel sorry for her about? Still, kudos to Michelle for ALMOST making me feel her pain.

Okay, how much lower mentally must Victor sink before anyone but Jack starts to get a clue? For the most part I like Jack, even when he's loathsome, but he's not endearing himself much to me lately. Many fans would probably say Victor would do the same if the tables were turned, and perhaps he would, but the tables aren't turned right now, so I guess we'll never know for sure. What his behavior does do is make me cross my fingers that when Victor finally return to his senses (hopefully without Jack realizing it) Jack will get exactly what he deserves. The fact is he wanted no part of the Wellness Centers and for him to step in and immediately begin carving up bigger pieces of the pie to serve to Jabot and himself is pretty despicable, even for Jack. Just my opinion, but what would make for better watching would be for Jack to actually wind up helping Victor, but that's probably just a pipe dream.

Speaking of Victor, yes fan Patty (see below) I have noticed Victor's whining as he practically begs Nikki to spend time together. When he balked at the elevator doors a couple of weeks ago, he reminded me of a pouting little boy about to throw a tantrum. I half expected him to dig his expensively soled shoes into the carpet, cross his arms and force Nikki to drag him inside.

Lauren and Michael were enjoyable this week. When they found out the results of Lauren's amnio, they were too cute. They acted like I imagine real people would act, and I couldn't help but laugh with them.

Now, knowing the macabre manner in which the minds on this soap sometime work, I can't help but wonder if it's all just a coincidence that Phyllis and Lauren are expecting together. Maybe it doesn't mean anything and is just an easy way for Phyllis to have the Baldwins to bond with. Or maybe it will turn out to be a whole lot more. They already use the same doctor and hospital. Will they have their babies on the same day too? Will Lauren have "twins" with one of them being Phyllis' to keep him or her a secret from its father? I know, I know. It's way too early to speculate. But ... I wonder.

I also wonder about the mysterious Jana. How did she know about Kevin and Michael's different paternal parentage? Who is she really? Related to Brad perhaps? This whole Brad mystery is becoming quite interesting. If I were Brad, I'd be almost afraid to look over my shoulder. Because the past is creeping ever closer to the present. J.T. and Paul are already on the case. Obviously Colleen is going to become J.T.'s junior PI and before it's all over, Victoria is likely to get in on the act. I can hardly wait. Well, my word well has run out of vowels and consonants. So I'm turning over the rest of the space to you fans.

But before I do, I want to take a moment and shout a huge THANK YOU to all of you who take the time to share your opinion with me. I'm glad so many of you enjoy and look forward to reading my weekly take on things. Just so you know, I get an equal enjoyment out of hearing what you have to say. Thanks for your support and especially for making the Soapcentral site a regular stop on your daily or weekly journeys through cyberspace. If you don't see something you wish was here, look for the link to pass on your suggestions.

One more time, thanks everyone!!

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JUNE - I'm sorry but I have been holding this in for so long but I have to let it out. Why does every couple, cheating couple, old married couple, etc. have to "do the do" on the living room couch. First Sharon and Nicolas continue to use the living room as the boudoir even though Nikki, Noah and Victoria have been known to just pop in. Now the list is getting longer, Victoria and J.T., Nicolas and Phyllis, Michael and Lauren, Sharon and Bradley (okay it was a hotel room but still) and now Nikki and Victor (even though she has a bad back) and most recently, it looked like Brad and Victoria used their living room once he returned from his business trip. Hello, set designers ... is anyone out there? I have seen Sharon and Nicolas' bedroom, I've even seen Brad's when he was cheated with Olivia. Does it have to do with the censors? Is it less tawdry and more palatable if they are on a couch as opposed to a bed? If the visitors to these mansions (with many bedrooms) only knew what went on in these living rooms they would think twice before having a sit down (wink wink).

RACHEL - "I find them about as exciting to watch as the family cat dozing in a shaft of sunlight" Aren't you being a little mean to cats here? I mean, at least the family cat has the potential to be cute and sweet, right? Even when they are sleeping. Not so for Colleen/J.T.. Give me cat watching any day...or watching paint dry, for that matter, over watching colleen whine at J.T. all the time (thank God for the fast forward button on my TiVO!). And I even liked the actress when she was on general hospital. Maybe they should start having her sing again, then we wouldn't have to hear her speak as often, right? Play to her strengths writers - PLEASE!!! I really enjoy reading your column, keep up the good work!

PATTY T - Hey Nita, I look forward to reading your column every week with anticipation. You are a great writer and I appreciate the time and effort you put into writing your column. I have read "Two Scoops" on some other soaps and I especially love how you include comments from some of the fans that write to you. Keep up the great work! My comment/reason why I am writing to you, is that I wonder if you have noticed in Victor's "weird behavior" how he is "whining" to his beloved Nikki to spend more time with him and work less? Everyone has noticed the snowflakes, copying his face on the copier etc., but I have not heard/read anything about his "whining". I just find this amusing, maybe he is getting in touch with his feminine side? I love this soap and have been watching it since it aired back in the 70's. I did skip a few years while I was working outside of the home (way before TIVO), but now I have more opportunities than ever to watch my favorite soap several times a day now that it airs on SOAPNET. What a wonderful world we live in! Well thanks again Nita for all your insightful, and entertaining columns, you have a lot of fans out here in soapland. Maybe you can become a writer for Y&R.

MONA - bravo on your column! I couldn't agree more with everything you mention here... especially sleeparound Sharon and your dislike for colleen! I, too, have a hard time watching her. bring the old colleen back! and I can't wait for brad to be exposed ... maybe then we'll see jt hook up w/Victoria!! now there's a story worth watching!!

SANDI - I AGREE, AGREE, AGREE with all that you say about Colleen and more -- you did NOT mention the fact that she is SO PRE-TEEN in the way she questions J.T.. "Who are you talking to (when he his on the phone)", "Where have you been", "What have you been doing". No, teen, post-teen, young adult would ever ask her 'friend, boyfriend, husband' all those possessive/clingy questions! Come on writers, get with the program! Whine, whine, whine about using his computer; I would never think of using a friend's computer when I have one of my own or can go someplace to use a public one. Yes, why doesn't Kevin just tell Colleen she is NOT WELCOME in the coffee shop and she should take her business elsewhere?

MARYANN - Nita, I agree with you wholeheartedly about "new" Colleen. She is so snotty and nothing like "old" Colleen. There is just too much about her-too much make-up, too much hair, too much jewelry, too much attitude!

TANYA - As always I love your column. If I didn't have that I might have to quit my job to see Y&R. Now, on to my rants. I am so glad Nick moved back in. I don't condone his cheating, but Miss Goody Two-Shoes can pack her bags and go as that house is on HIS family's property. I wanted to kick her teeth in when she thought he was moving up to the main house and threw a hissy fit. If I were Nikki I would have to tell her that while I understand her position, my son has the right to be here, so if you want a separation, do like you did when Cameron Kirston "supposedly" turned your face into hamburger meat (as Sharon was so fond of saying) LEAVE AND DON'T COME BACK.

TAD - Nita, I hear what you're saying about Colleen. I also find her character difficult to embrace, and she's annoying; however, I think if someone tried to kill me in the way that Kevin had attempted to do away with Colleen, I'm probably going to do everything I can to make their life a living hell, but I would probably seek retribution from a distance. Not only did Kevin try to kill Colleen, but he got away with it. I think her hatred for Kevin is justified, although the manner in which she's exercising that hatred leaves a little to be desired. I wouldn't be in the company of someone that I viewed as dangerous, yet Colleen is always at the coffeehouse, an establishment that Kevin Owns. How much sense does that really make? I think it's ridiculous that any Abbott could ever be accepting of Kevin Fisher. It's one thing to be tolerant of him, but it's another to bring him into the family fold. I also find it absurd that Lily, or anyone in the Winter's family could dismiss what Kevin has done to Lily. As a father of a young lady who is close in age to Lily, I would be Kevin's worse nightmare. If that's harboring hatred, then so be it. It all goes back to painting such a dysfunctional and vile picture of a character that it's difficult for that character to ever overcome his or her indiscretions. I think Greg Rikaart and Christian LeBlanc are excellent actors, because where it is true that no character in Y&R are without infractions, the characters of Kevin Fischer and Michael Baldwin have been more heinous than any other likeable or popular character that I can think of. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Kevin when his date cancelled on him as a result of what Colleen told her. I also find myself pulling for Michael at times. That is a testament to great acting from Rikaart and LeBlanc. I would also like to give credit to Judith Chapman. Whereas she is not a likeable character, let us not forget that Gloria Abbott has been written to be despicable. I would say she's doing her job quite well as I don't find any fan support for her. What I wanted to expound on is the realism in Y&R. Overall, they do a great job with their storylines. The ratings reflect that; however, I think they can do a much better job with the little things. I often feel that the writers insult our intelligence with some of the idiotic things that they come up with, and it isn't necessary. Victor has been walking around in a fog for quite a while now, yet the people closest to him seem oblivious to drawing a connection between Victor hurting his head during Nikki's assault and his 180 degree change in personality. At the very least, someone could have suggested that he have a check up. He probably would have said he didn't feel it was necessary, but someone could have brought it up. Lily sending her bombshell in the form of an email to Neil instead of Daniel was lame. Maybe Lily could have been talking to Daniel on the phone in the coffeehouse...she's upset so she's speaking rather loudly...Neil comes in and overhears what she's saying. J.T. explained to Colleen why she couldn't use his computer. His explanation was plausible. Why would they have Colleen continue to press the issue with her need to use his computer. One would think that J.T. had the only computer in GC. After J.T. explained himself, it would have been more prudent for Colleen to move to Plan B. Phyllis' need to work with Nikki at Newman is hard to swallow as well. Many people work from home, and Newman Enterprises isn't the only building in town. Obviously, they wanted to set up a situation where Phyllis would have to interact with Sharon. Why not have Sharon involved in a project that relates to both Newman and MVP? She would have to sacrifice her pride for the sake of her job. Devon graduating with honors is crazy as a fan pointed out that he could barely read a few months ago. Why not give him an award for Most Improved Student vs. Honor Student. These are some of the little things that many fans, including you Nita, have touched on week in and week out. It doesn't take much effort to make a storyline more realistic. Why is it so difficult for the writers to dot their I's and cross their T's?

MARY - I agree that the new Colleen is terrible. I just can't seem to like her or feel anything for that matter. And Brad - the wooden one is fitting. The last time I believed what he was saying was .... I can't remember. Now that we are wondering who the father of Phyllis' baby is, can we also look forward to wondering who the father of Sharon's baby is? It's about time some new little ones are introduced, so they can disappear in a couple of years and make room for the last batch of children who disappeared and should be reappearing soon. As always, Nita, love your column.

GRETCHEN - One word for this past week - nausea. I have to stop eating my lunch during the show! Brad and Victoria (I love you so, you perfect studly navy); Nick and sanctimonious Sharon (I want to make everyone in my life happy, while lusting after, bedding and conveniently running into Brad); Colleen and J.T. (J.T. lets the spoiled brat have it then backs off); Jack and Carmen (yeah, I sleep with the boss after a couple dates in the company breakroom and after that NAUSEATING video shoot); Gloria and any time she opens her mouth (thankfully the writers have forgotten about making her a fashion expert - Jill is not that stupid!); and sugar and spice Victor. Even the tiny, tiny, tiny lightbulb in thick as a brick Nick is starting to flicker. Hopefully next week things will return to somewhat normal, otherwise, I am taking my lunch break at another time!

KAMAL - I must be the only one that thinks Victor's mental state is hilarious. I agree that it is ridiculous that his family hasn't noticed something's wrong with him but ol' smiling Jack did. I am anxious to see him bounce back and give X (i.e. "Brad") exactly what's coming to him. Sharon's hypocritical behind I will not discuss. Nita - you said all that needs to said about the trifling woman. Phyllis - I'm with you again Nita, I'm not digging that this chick seems to always land on her feet. And why would she be green with envy at Jack asking Carmen out to dinner. I thought she had moved on with Nick? Colleen, Colleen, Colleen. I had to laugh out loud, Nita, when you said you said to your TV set that you wished Kevin had actually finished the job on her. I uttered the same exact thing in somewhat colorful language. I never liked this chick since the day she set foot back in GC. Can't stand her. And you know what's worse, the fact that I'm wishing J.T., a character I've never liked, could do better. Colleen is almost on that Sharon level of loathing and disgust. It's a race to see if her or Gloria will make it to Sharon status first. Keep doing your thing, Nita. You always crack me up and are usually thinking the same way I do about my fav soap.

D. JACKSON - Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! I had the unfortunance to tune in on Wednesday for the first time this week and was disgusted to see the Vikki/ Brad scene. Never ever in the past would the writers (or Heather Tom for that matter) demean Victoria's character like they did with that just plain disgusting scene. I don't know what specifically turned me off, maybe it was that Amelia Heimlie looked weird in the sailor hat or maybe it was how obvious that Brad's aging or maybe something about the Charleston that makes me cringe but it was all just sickening and hope to never ever see it again. (I would ask for Heather Tom back if she wasn't currently doing such a great job on OLTL). And what about Friday with Sharon. OMG how many times can she send Nick mixed signals, "We're thru, this is temporary," now its "Lets create new memories". He really needs to leave her, I mean I really don't think anyone could blame Nick at this point. And she's only stringing him along anyway, as soon as Brad becomes available they'll both be jumping the Newman ships leaving the family in pieces. I really hate her at this point. She says she cares for Noah, but if that was the case, she wouldn't keep having affairs, leaving town, and abandoning him. He's better off with Nick! And what's up with Kevin being such a downer depressing everyone? I hope emptying that can means the last of Terrible Tom. And pardon me, I thought Father's Day was on Sunday, who works on Sunday? Apparently most of the Newman staff. And gushy Victor's making me sick. This week was so unbearable. Hoping for a better one next week.

WANDA - What a lame birthday party for Lily. Why didn't the writers just let them go to "The Fine Club"? Don't any of the kids (Lily, Daniel, Devon) have any friends to invite to an 18th party? Where was Sierra? Poor Michael! One pregnant woman will do most men in but Michael has two. Everyone knows that Nick and Sharon are gonna get back together (in the bedroom) just in time to find out that Phyllis's baby is a Newman. Did Sharon do an about face or what when she realized that Brad is not going to leave Victoria for her? Carmen sure does work fast. I love Jackie's new do, by the way. Who has a business meeting in the basketball court of the GCAC? Victor is wandering around like a senile old man (and Jack is lovin' it). Nikki's red top (Father's Day attire) was W-A-Y too tight. She is a tad bit old to be dressed that way. Putting Tom's ashes down the garbage disposal was really gross.

NAT - This is the first time I've ever read the two scoops column for the Young and the Restless, and I can't believe how hysterical it is! Everything Nita said was dead-on, and so poignant and witty. I will definitely be reading this column religiously!