If it looks like a mutt...

Jeffrey Todd Hellstrom, please drop to all fours and pad to the front of the kennel to accept your Canine Certificate.

A wagered cent says it will howl, shake, I mean, wag its tail and root around in the muck as well. Jeffrey Todd Hellstrom, please drop to all fours and pad to the front of the kennel to accept your Canine Certificate. And as you pass them by, you might as well invite Victoria, Nick and Phyllis to trot right along with you.

Sigh, yet another sofa stopover for two of the ever-randy citizens of this lusty town. At this rate, will there be an unstained sofa left in the city to perch upon? No need for anyone to audition for a slice of hot sand on Temptation Island just so they can cheat on their spouse. They could just pack an overnight case and hop on the next redeye to Genoa City USA. Where the slogan should be: What's love got to do with it?

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, J.T. was once heard to passionately proclaim to his once virgin loft mate. Overcome with joy and gratitude, Mac ceased listening at that point, too busy unlocking and throwing wide the gate to her Oasis, but had she just stood still for one more moment, she might have heard that intuitive voice in her head whisper the words "this week."

Sometimes I wonder whether these people actually listen to themselves when they open their mouths and let gibberish glide out. Victoria: Sometimes love changes you into something else. Hmm, what would that be, I wonder? Something that is the opposite of an unfaithful womanizer, perhaps? If so, I guess love's changes weren't wrought in J.T.. And what did love for Bradley change her into? A woman so incapable of putting one foot in front of the other, she wound up in J.T.'s wiry arms and once there, found him too inviting to resist. And then there was that pearl of wisdom that rolled off Jeffrey Todd's tongue. Something about how sleeping with other women says something. Yeah, J.T., it says you're a horny hound dog who's never satisfied with just the bone in your own dog dish. And that if given half a chance you won't hesitate to wrap your dripping jowls around the one in some other mutt's bowl. And he's lucky lightning didn't strike his lanky limbs while he was prattling about trust or the lack thereof while reclining naked on Victoria's sofa cushions. Well, at least perhaps having learned his lesson from Mac's abbreviated pregnancy, he used a condom. Although I have to wonder why he's carrying a condom around in his wallet. He lives with his lady, wouldn't you think a more likely storage place for it would be the drawer of the bedside table. I know, he probably used to be a boy scout. But he obviously forgot the part of the Scout Law that instructed him to be trustworthy and loyal. And remembered the Motto and Slogan which were, respectively, To Be Prepared and Do a Good Turn Daily.

And this is the man Colleen is scheming so mightily to coerce back into her life? By the way, do you think clueless as a wood post, Colleen, noticed J.T.'s complete lack of caring or enthusiasm when she excitedly imparted her plan to remain in the City, to be in a better position to stalk his sorry self? Why in the world would she or any rational woman want this cheating clown back? Oh well, I guess as long as she understands one misstep or none at all could cause him to accidentally trip and fall atop another woman's ... bed. With all those notches carved into it; Brittany, Rianna, Mac, one-night stand What's-her-name, Anita, Victoria, and who knows how many others, pretty soon he's going to need to buy another belt. And is it just me, or does any other fan think he's treading close to the Ewww line with his latest sofa sleepover? He's already bedded both mother and daughter Hodges. What's next on his relations resume? Brad's girl, Victoria's colors are already flying indiscreetly from his lance. Will they one day soon be joined by Brad's daughter's as well? Looks like J.T.'s growing up to be just like his possible future Daddy-in-law. Could you imagine the awkward holiday dinners should J.T. marry Colleen and Brad Victoria? Picture it, a stern-faced Victor presiding from the head of the table while Nikki and Victoria have Technicolor flashbacks of their time with Brad, and Sharon fantasizes about what she could have had with him. Meanwhile, J.T. compares Victoria's take charge expertise with Colleen's tentative touches. At the same time, gazing at Nikki wondering if it's really true the daughter apple doesn't fall far from the Mommy tree. I know, the thought of all that carnal knowledge is more than a trifle tawdry, but hey, so are these near incestuously entwined couplets. By the way, Victoria must have really rocked J.T.'s little self-centered world, as they used to say, because did you notice how many times both by phone and in person he felt the need to "check in" with her. Hey stalker boy, move on. Doesn't look like it was all that and a big bag of chips for her. I don't know, could be it's just me, but I don't know that I'd feel very flattered if my partner told me I was much like a therapeutic dose of medicine.

But as usual, I digressed far, far off the traveled trail and wound up wandering in the wilderness. Back to J.T. and his response to what he's trying hard to make us see as Mac's big betrayal. First of all, the moment Mac read the results of that home pregnancy test, I didn't hesitate to yell "TELL HIM, TELL HIM," at her televised face, even though I knew before I even opened my big mouth that she wouldn't. And when she imparted her important news to Kevin, I could only shake my opinionated head, seeing from miles away the catastrophe creeping down the storyline corridor. You can have her man, was what J.T. told Kevin. Like she was an old pair of trousers he'd worn and ripped the seat out of. Now I don't condone violence, but for that insulting comment Mac should have slapped J.T.'s skanky behind all the way to Crimson Lights. And later, the self-righteous donkey's derriere sat there, still stinking of Victoria, pointing his accusing finger at Mac for leaning on Kevin while he was busy propping up Colleen's calculating carcass. I don't deny that Mac should have told J.T. instead of Kevin, but J.T.'s response was a little extreme. In my opinin, Mac is well rid of J for Jerk T. Hellstrom.

Now, on to J.T.'s fellow Canine Certificate deservees (and yes I'm aware there's no such word in Webster'; it's what I call a Nita-ism.). Let's start with Victoria. I admit I plan nothing but snorts of derisive laughter at her expense when Brad realizes which boy stepped in to perform the manly duties Brad thought were all his. I can't imagine he'll continue to feel all soft and fuzzy toward Victoria after that. As for her, she certainly can't seem to make up her wishy washy mind. I love Brad. No I don't. Yes I do. I tried, but I just didn't feel much sympathy pain for her "anger" at Brad. Maybe it was just me but her reasons for walking away from Brad didn't sound very believable. One minute she's hanging off Brad like a cheap suit, all needy eyes and gushing tongue. Helping Abby draw pictures and chauffeuring her about. Now she's suddenly angry because the line forming behind Brad has her in the third place position. I tell you, these people change their tunes and their character traits so often, sometimes it's difficult to remember who they are supposed to be on any given day.

On the other hand, what fun it was watching Victoria and Sharon joust back and forth. Sharon's pure pleasure at having caught Victoria, practically with her pantaloons puddled around her ankles was palpable. Gee, she told her sis-in-law, I knew you'd broken your engagement, but J.T. Hellstrom, like five minutes later. I didn't know he was your type. But I don't mean to judge, she then hastened to lie, since judging was precisely what she was doing. Lucky I'm not her in-law, else I might have retorted, Oh, and Cam Kirsten was yours? Of course, Victoria was kinder than I and said no such thing. Not that it mattered, because the town crier wasted no time spreading the unsavory news. Although presumably she was on her way to the office when asked by Brad to swing by the little house inside the pungent stable to check on his lady love, she took the time to circle back home to tell hubby the one-night stand news. And though said hubby advised his wife to double check the flap on her trap to ensure it wouldn't accidentally spring open and hurt someone, his may as well have kept the words in his mouth. Because though she often pretends a pat of butter wouldn't melt if she placed it on her tongue, deep down Sharon wants to make Brad pay for his embarrassingly nonexistent moment of mourning when she picked Nick over him. Seems to me that she is thoroughly enjoying getting to be the bearer of extremely bad news. And she proved it by attempting to immediately empty her oxygen starved brain of what little was in there. Besides the rocks, I mean. It's exactly those types of vindictive actions that make it hard for me to summon up even a speck of sympathy for the fool Nick and Phyllis are making of her. Oh, but her time is coming. I bet discovering her allegedly devoted bedmate has been dallying indelicately with the delectable Phyllis will wipe that gleaming grin of salivating satisfaction right off Sharon's cuckolded face.

So Phyllis loves Jack but is no longer in love? I didn't know people still made that tired claim. Poor Jack-o-lantern. The rejected recipient of sympathy sheet aerobics. Much like he was when Phyllis was so enamored of Damon, Jack is about to be nudged to the curb to leave room for her to pursue this new and different married scent. Nick has so stimulated her senses, she can think of no one but him, although her mattress maneuvers were apparently authentic enough to fool Jack, leading him to pronounce her nothing short of incredible. But regardless of what he thought he was getting, he was but a sorry substitute. I guess I'm just a hard hearted young hag because Phyllis' poor me tears didn't move me in the least. Probably because I'm sure that whatever they have is not over; their abstinence is surely only temporary. I'd bet my dollar and one of yours these two will be lunging and panting in tandem before the week is out. As for Nick, as he pined powerfully for his feral feline watching his farfetched fantasy starring a dewy eyed Phyllis presenting him with a stack of pancakes was just another source for my amusement. Because Phyllis can't cook, remember? At least not in the kitchen.

I tried to hand Colleen a tissue but my hand collided with the television screen. I wanted her to wipe the drool from her mouth as she eavesdropped in plain sight as Mac moaned to Kevin about J.T.'s all night absence, thinking about how good J.T. was going to taste after she maneuvered him into her arms. I couldn't believe Mac gave that giddy twit the satisfaction of knowing there was a problem in paradise. I would have bitten off my tongue first. By the way, that gong sound you hear is the death knell tolling for Colleen's college education. Like the rest of her young adult GC peers, for Colleen, college has just become a meaningless word with seven letters. And just like all the other high school students who announce their educational future lies on the campus of GCU, she won't attend. No, Colleen's only plan for the future is to stick herself like discarded bubble gum to the bottom of J.T.'s shoe. Where it is presumed he will walk all over her heart exactly like he did before.

Ashley and Paul. Like watching wet paint dry on the wall. Just my opinion, you may not agree.

Moving on to corporate matters. At the moment there aren't any at Newman. Jabot, however, is a different story. Do you suppose Jack will ever learn? I know, that was an extremely stupid question. But he really would benefit if he learned not to let his hatred lead him into waters deep enough to drown in. Would it really have hurt him to abide by his Daddy's wishes and let Gloria get her pinky toe in the Jabot door? I mean, come one, this is not a woman who thinks first and acts after. Hmm, kind of like Jack. Instead of heeding the kernel of wisdom buried in that clich about keeping your enemies closer than your bosom buddies, Jack is going out of his way to anger the hissing serpent that shares his home. And what might Gloria do in retaliation? Hmm, just off the top of my opinionated head, I can easily see her placing that proxy in the hands of someone Jack hates more than he despises her. Yep, one Victor Newman. A man who already holds some shares in Jabot thanks to Brad's determination to add dash Newman to his last name. Oh well, it's hard to feel sorry for a man who refuses to learn from any of his massive mistakes.

And finally, when you talk about people who never learn, you can insert the name of Drucilla Barber Winters as a perfect example. And you might as well add her headstrong daughter's name right below it. Although she meant it in a sarcastic and definitely not a complimentary way, as mother and daughter Dru and Lily are indeed like two peas lying together in a pod. Literally. Unable to see the gauntlets thrown down by mother and daughter, Neil blunders blindly along, like Nick once did before him when it comes to Daniel. Unaware that his little girl is not his little girl (again, literally) and now knows it, Neil is the only person in their little wooden box still buying into the premise that when it comes to Lily, tough love is the only kind to show. Dru has no one but herself to blame for letting the seed she unwittingly sewed with Malcolm so long ago grow into weeds that now threaten to choke the life she loves from her. Yes, Neil would have been heartbroken to know what his brother had done, but he would likely have abandoned his brother not his bride. But it's clear the time for truth telling without retribution passed a long time ago. Because Neil's current adamant stance against all things dishonest doesn't bode well for Dru's continued participation in his life should he now learn what Dru has kept from him for so long. Never mind that he once had some pretty noisy skeletons rattling around in his own closet having to do with loving another woman his brother also loved. Of course with the habit these people have of airing sensitive issues in rooms with doors half open, it's only a matter of time before Neil hears for himself the hurtful revelation.

But my harsh words are not just reserved for Dru. Lily isn't receiving any hand claps from me either with her contrived consternation and outrage because Momma hasn't been telling the truth. Lily spent approximately 60 seconds mourning the fact that Daddy's no longer Daddy. Then she dried her tears, started up the gears and her brain began to churn out the best way to use this new information to gain that which she's wanted since she stopped wanting Kevin. Dan-yell. If I'm seeing things correctly through Lily's warped lens of life, Dru was wrong for lying, but her own months and years of constant lying, she seems to be saying, should all be wiped from the slate, now that she's decided not to lie anymore. It seems that to Lily, there's lying and then there's lying. As long as the lies being told are on her terms, lying is okay. Yes, it's wrong that Dru has been lying to Neil on these years. But, it's okay by Lily if the lies continue into the next century; she'll even motor merrily along with them, as long as Mommy lets her clasp Dan-yell close to her bosom whenever she likes. So, now that Neil has stubbornly refused to see Daniel with anything but disapproving eyes, what will Lily do next? Why run away with Daniel, of course. Did anyone really expect anything different? And since we've recently heard both Daniel and Lily repeat time and time again how close they are to the age of consent (at least for marrying, if not for drinking), how many other fans think sometime soon, we'll be hearing the time honored words: "I now pronounce you man and wife" or something similar?

Okay fans, once again you are in immensely funny mode and I'm sharing everything all of you had to say.

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ROBYN - Hi Nita, LOVE your column, it's better than watching the show! Question: you commented on how funny it would be if Phyllis was pregnant with a Newman/Abbott child. Didn't she have a hysterectomy or deemed not able to have children after she lost Jack's baby some years back? Thanks for the laughs!

KAMAL - I love your column. So witty and so what I'm thinking most of the time! While I love Nyliss, they have made me mad by making it SO obvious. I can't stand Sharon (haven't liked her for years) so I can't really be sad for her. Not that Nick is one of my favorite people, but Sharon is lower on the totem pole. With that said, Nick and Phyliss have this undeniable chemistry. I'm sorry people, Nyliss is H-O-T, HOT! As far as Phyliss and Dru are concerned, you hit the nail on the head - Phyliss is the LAST person that should be ripping into Dru about paternity secrecy. Has Phyliss ever paid for running over Paul and Christine so many years ago or the countless other atrocities she's committed? She's lucky to be alive let alone walking the streets because I'm sure she would have gotten the lethal injection if all her skeletons were to be exposed. Just one thing about the new Lily - LOVE her. I must be in the minority who did not like the original actress who was always too whiney for my tastes and totally in love with Shemar Moore. They'd seem like lovers instead of uncle/father and niece/daughter to a totaly Y&R outsider. I wish the new actress much luck in the role. Keep up the great Two Scoops columns. It's always nice to have someone validate what you're thinking and feeling about your favorite show.

MARERRA - What in the world could J.T. have been thinking when he ran out the door after discovering that sweet, dear naive Mac had lost his child? I mean, where was the love and support every woman expects from the man she calls her own when she's in crisis? As if this action alone wasn't callously cruel enough, the heartless bastard's final destination was positively the unforgivable straw that broke this faithful viewer's back and more! How dare this insensitive, tasteless brut, soothe his bruised ego (My God, doesn't the woman in his life have the right to consult a guy pal for consolation when he's out solving another imaginary case in GC?) with the all too willing and ready body of Victor-Victoria? My God, I thought that "Ole Red" was that only one in town with the morals of an alley-cat! What kind of love is so cheap that you can lose it between the sheets with the nearest available human being? Sure, I'm not a fan of the Mac and J.T. club, for as I've said once before, I think she's cut from cloth way too expensive for the cheap tee-shirt wearing wanna-be P.I. solving fake mysteries but from the looks of it all, sex, adulterous or otherwise is simply the way most matters of the heart are solved (or almost everything, look at Jack hooking up with the skanky Phyllis after his father was convicted of murder!) by the citizens of Y&R's respectable Genoa City. If I'm not mistaken, J.T. was still involved with poor Mackenzie when he chose to do the naughty-naughty with Newman Enterprises' so-called crown jewel Victoria, whose first name should be all things tawdry. This chick might share the name of a former Queen of England, but she is by no means, worthy of being called any kind of royalty! Brad is getting off real easy with Victoria's sudden rejection of all things Carlton, as her latest decision to roll in the hay with an employee she only knows in passing clearly indicates. I can't believe I first viewed Brad as the cad when he suddenly proposed marriage to Victoria on the quick after being politely brushed off by the other Mrs. Newman. Although it was impossibly difficult to accept one word out of Bradski's mouth as anything but noise, still the man does deserve a lady worthy of the wooing he's doing and I'm not so uncertain that he won't have a chance to win the true holder of his heart Lady Sharon. Speaking of the lovely yet seemingly ditzy one, her idiocy amazingly appears to be ever burgeoning! Unfortunately, Sharon's husband Nick's desire is not following suit, well at least not where she's concerned anyway because this cheating lout has taken every last opportunity to avoid being intimate with his own wife. No Phyllis is clearly more Nick's cup of tasty, albeit questionably, tasty tea, if the little fantasy montage with him sharing breakfast with her and not his ever loving although gullible spouse Sharon, says anything at all. I do not understand why Nick thought it would be so easy to walk away from the forbidden fruit Phyllis was until of late, constantly dangling in his grinning face, but it's obvious that literally walking away from all that scandalous vixen has on her plate, hasn't taken his taste for it, away. I am eagerly awaiting the moment when Nick's guilt is cast to the wind in favor of satisfying his ever voracious appetite for a certain someone who just happens to not be his wife! Now on to other deceptions and lies, from the looks of the events taking place there lately, truth certainly does come pretty scarcely in GC. First of all that "Ole Red" is a bigger you know what than I ever dared to imagined, to blackmail Dru with a matter so highly sensitive in nature! Yet I think most fans would say that this character had it coming a long while ago. After all, the secret of Lily possibly not being Neil's (Great actor and I'm glad Y&R chose to keep him under contract for another 3 years.) has been buried for seventeen years plus! The fallout of the full truth yet to be revealed will shake up the Winters' household like a Texas tornado, which at this point, seems highly inevitable. Yet I am hopeful that in turn will bring another great cast member back to into town so that in itself is worth the wreckage besides this is soap land where "troubles melt like lemon drops" and as long as Y&R stays on the air and I'm a part of the universe, I shall tune in to see what other turmoil these characters are embroiled in and speaking of characters, I think the new actress in the role of Lily is doing a wonderful job filling into shoes that have long been held by someone else the audience seemed to adore. Well for now I must return to the "real world" awaiting me but I look forward to hearing more from you Nita, your "Two Scoops" commentary is certainly scintillating! Oh, one last note, John Abbott is going to be missed terribly and I will count down the "years" until his return. I thought the montage of his moments with his family before his departure for the pen, were priceless and being a newcomer, I had never gotten a glimmer of the only truly upstanding Abbott when he was a younger man, not that he isn't still quite handsome, he was a regular head turner then and I just wish his end had led to the atypical soap opera conclusion, where the accused gets away with murder merely because the victim was a no good loser like the late Tom Fisher. Oh well, I guess a girl can't have it all, but still I remain appalled that the writers allowed such a fine citizen to go to the "hoosegow" but will I stop watching, no way Jose!

TREY - I have to say that Victoria Rowell (Dru) is a phenomenal actress. She is so in the moment, so natural. The scenes with her begging Lilly but at the same time maintaining her stance about Daniel and her family were priceless. She is truly a class act and I love watching her act. Y&R in general has stepped up its game and once again has me engrossed in its juicy storylines and rich characters.

LOUISE - The chemistry with the new Lily does not work with cast mates. She comes off as too "streetwise". This is not Lily. And what was that, calling Daniel "baby" at the Crimson Lights when she first came back to town? This is not true to Lily's character.

EVE - GENOA CITY TIMES WANT-AD: NEEDED, one nanny for two middle-aged spoiled rotten rich kids, who are crying on the living room couch because their Daddy is no longer there to welcome them home from work. (And just because he killed someone; how unfair!) All I can say to the actors: good job for managing to say those lines with a straight face. Jack and Ashley sounded like they were 3 years old, which, of course, they are in every way (except, presumably, sexually). Actually, they're both so desperate for someone to take care of them (whatever happened to Mamie?) that if Gloria would start plying the warm milk and cookies, maybe wear a starched white apron once in a while, I think she could get both of them literally eating out of her hand. And then she could kick their sorry butts to the curb. Dreams, idle dreams.

MAUD ANN - So sad to see John Abbott go, but I'm happy he didn't die so that the door for his return is left open. (I know, I know 'dead' doesn't always mean 'dead' anyway) What is Gloria's deal? Why does she think she knows so much about running a business that she is dead set on getting on the board? I can't quite get a grasp of where this storyline is headed but it can't be good for Jabot! There are starting to be hints at a new s/l with Michael and Lauren. I hope it's not just that Lauren's pregnant that is so 'done' already. But I would love to see more of these two anyway we can get it they are so cute together and could have lots of interesting things for us to watch. They are such a good couple - let's hope they get more of a chance to show their stuff. If we ever needed a little more evidence, we now have it that J.T. is a dirty low life loser and belongs back with nasty slimy scheming Colleen there's a pair custom made for each other for sure. Mac is so sweet and loyal a good match for Kevin please please let them have a go at being together. Lily asked Daniel to help her find a place to stay Daniel had a funny look in his eye, like maybe he has a clue that is NOT a good idea. I guess only time will tell, but hopefully he is wising up a little (after all, his conscience hurt enough that admitted his duplicity to his mother). I nearly fell off my chair laughing at the closing of Friday's show! Stupid Victoria really spilled the beans to her mother AND to Brad!!!! What a stupid twit. Can hardly wait for next week to see more of this situation!!!

WANDA - What is with all of the people being so "giddy' and John is in prison?? Gloria hasn't missed a beat, John and Ashley act like nothing is wrong and Colleen is "so concerned". Why did they bring Tracy back for a five minute shot? Just in and out and no explanation as to where she went (the red hair had "to go" anyway though). LOL Billy couldn't be bothered to return to see his father? Give me a break, already! I almost upchucked when Nick was looking at the picture album. "My beautiful wife" was sickening. What about all the infidelity (on both parts), trip to Denver (desertion of her family), Diego, Victor, Cameron Kirsten, and Brad (any day now). Since when did Phyllis become Sharon's confidant anyway? Sharon almost made me upchuck too, gushing about how great Nick is these days. Neil Winters is out of control, or maybe just a "control freak". I just hope Dan-yell and Lily don't run away again. I can't take any more of that SL. Mac and J.T. are getting on my last nerve. They were both wrong so either patch it up or break it off. Kevin and Colleen are salivating in the wings. I have one more pet peeve. I couldn't stand it if people just walked in and out of my house the way they do on Y&R. You come home and someone is there or you are minding your own business and someone just waltzes in (uninvited and unannounced).