An idiot abroad?

Apparently, Europe has it in for Salem. No one ever returns from that place without a secret. With J.J., it was drugs. Now, with Melanie, it's a bag of cash. Find out if international relations can be restored in this week's Two Scoops.

I don't know why Salemites keep going to Europe. I've yet to see someone come back without a secret, stash of money, new face, or any combination of the above. It must be something in the water. I mean, look what that place did to little baby Elvis! (*wink*)

True to form, Melanie returned from Europe with a standard blend of trouble and mystery. And like Maggie, I'm so happy that she's back.

First, I'm glad she returned to the correct age group. Her relationship with Philip always felt awkward to me. So I was thrilled to see her back with Abigail, Chad, and Sonny. And, of course, I want more T and Melanie all the time and forever.

Next, there was the nice party at Daniel's apartment. Anything that gets Victor some screen time is a win in my book. Plus, I can't help but adore the makeshift family between these redheads and the men who love them. I like that Victor treats his godson like one of his boys. I adore that Maggie looks after Brady. And I appreciate that Brady and Melanie are such good friends. It's these "chosen family" ties that I think are the best tribute to Alice and Tom that DAYS can do. Plus, it's nice to see characters genuinely happy for a second!

That probably won't last long, since Melanie and her bag full of money are running from Chloe Lane's evil twin. And even with Serena around to help Mel out (welcome to DAYS, Melissa Archer!), it seems that Mel's secret will come out sooner rather than later. Everyone was skeptical of Melanie's quick return. Plus, if you're in some kind of trouble and you're one of the few people Victor Kiriakis likes, you get your tush back to Salem right away if not sooner.

Speaking of ladies who get into trouble, I would love for Eve and Nicole to actually be friends. They're such similar characters. I'm optimistic from their pleasant meeting! If only Eric hadn't been there to gloom it up.

Look, what Nicole did to him was crappy. But I specifically remember Eric turning down the opportunity to go back to the priesthood when the bishop offered it to him. It could have been (as I like to convince myself) because Eric is still in love with Nicole and realized that he couldn't go back to the priesthood, knowing that his heart was with someone else. Or it could just be that he'd gotten used to wearing pastels and couldn't go back to black. Whatever the reason, it stopped being Nicole's fault that Eric is no longer a priest at that very moment. So let's move this storyline along -- at least to a point where Eric doesn't throw salt in a circle around himself each time Nicole appears, mmkay?

Besides, I need all the salt to help keep Jordan and Clyde away. I just can't deal with those two anymore. One problem might be Chrishell Stause herself. I don't think TPTB were ready for her to nail that scene where Jordan confronted Clyde at gunpoint. But Chrishell kicked that scene in the teeth. I totally bought that Jordan was terrified of the dude who raped her. But the problem is that I don't know how to reconcile that Jordan (the one I prefer, by the way) with the one who still shows up at Clyde's private residence time and again. Um, hello Jordan, there's a bad guy in there!

But I am Team Jordan on one point. Clyde is rotten to the core. Stefano can't get to him soon enough. All of Clyde's relationships are self-serving, but the one with Kate grinds my soap gears. Considering that Billie is a recovering drug addict, I positively cringed watching the former protective mama bear giggle over a drug lord's wealth. Kate just outsmarted two generations of DiMera. There's no way she's that dumb.

But maybe it's something genetic that makes the Roberts clan temporarily act like fools. Will is working so hard in L.A. that he doesn't even remember to turn on lights in the room. Seriously, he has no time for that!

Let's back up. The dude wrote one column and got offered a huge Hollywood contract. That's like getting a restaurant because your cookies really went over well at the church's bake sale. Furthermore, no one -- not his husband, baby mama, or family -- stood in his way. So, yes, I had a bit of a hard time drumming up any sympathy for the poor guy whose dream job is just taking up so darn much of his time.

Should Sonny have let that smooch with Paul go on as long as it did? No. Should Marlena, Lucas, and Adrienne learn to mind their own business when it comes to Will's marriage? Oh, yes. But that doesn't mean that Will isn't being a total diva right now.

A smart friend told me that you're only too busy for the things that you don't want to do. And the past month, that's how it's been for Will. Whether it was ignoring Sonny's phone calls, not spending time with Lucas when he came to visit, or now going multiple days on end without talking to Sonny, Will needs a visit from the Reality Check Fairy. Either that or he can look forward to a life as a tortured artist. Anyone know how he feels about opium and hanging out in cemeteries? Probably okay as long as nothing happens to his cardigans, huh?

LOOSE ENDS There really aren't that many great female friendships on DAYS that aren't between relatives, so I'm happy that Abigail and Mel can get back on track. Besides, you know it's a good friend when you don't even feel the need to put on pants to talk to her.

In that same vein, I wish that Melanie and Theresa could actually be friends. Had Maggie not intervened when Melanie was 18, Mel probably would have ended up just like Theresa. But something tells me that Theresa and Mel aren't going to any concerts together anytime soon.

Since Daniel brought it up again last week, I have to say that when he showed up at Eric's door, the topic of confession should have been Kristen, not Nicole. "I almost slept with the woman who raped you" is a lot bigger deal than "I might be having feelings again for our mutual ex-girlfriend."

I want to believe that Chad really wants to stay friends with Sonny. But I've learned not to go against Victor's instincts. I'm torn on this one.

There's a part of Theresa's moxie that's admirable. But considering that she turns into a pile of doe-eyed angst when she's in the same room with Brady, I'm thinking that it might be a wee bit too soon for her to try to round Paul's bases. Plus, Thrady is going to need to stay in each other's orbits for...say...I don't know...like nine months or so.

The concept of rich people talking about where their massive amount of money comes from is completely foreign to me. But I'm pretty sure Ma and Pa Brady ran a fish stand when Hope met Bo. So clearly, this move is to give Aiden a motive for murder rather than make Hope reconsider. And if my Law & Order degree serves me right, there's no statute of limitations on murder. And oh, if that charge would bring Justin back to town to defend Aiden, I might do backflips.

I would think that the time to get J.J. some help would be right after he got arrested for going on a drug-filled destruction of public property after finding out that his father was a rapist. But sure, now works too.

Adrienne asked T if Sonny had talked to Will. Just typing that sentence makes me cringe with junior high memories. And I'm convinced that Adrienne can't possibly be fun at any parties. "Now, I realize that you want to drink that glass of wine. But those are just empty calories that will make you fat. Plus, the alcohol will go to your brain, causing you to make terrible decisions -- like that top you're wearing. Now, I repeat, is that really what you want to do? I'm just asking because I care."

HOT I'm trying very hard to not let my disgust with Will right now influence my opinion of Paul. But, man, I like that Paul. Apparently Sonny did, too, as they were "I love you" serious back in the day. To be honest, I'm less interested in the story about a closeted professional athlete than I am with a guy who's just flat-out crazy about Sonny. For a while now, Wilson has been pretty much about Will -- which was fine when Sonny was a new character. But Sonny's been around for a while now. He's got some sides to his character. Yet, he's still a backup dancer in the Will Show. And I'm okay with that changing.

NOT Kate's story of how she did everything she did to protect Rafe from Stefano sounded totally plausible. But the problem was that that's not how it played out on-screen. The second a non-boy Jordan showed up, Kate got big-time jealous. That's why Kate didn't care to look into Curtis's Clyde's past, as he was supposed to be an irritant to Jordan and nothing more. That's why -- long after she learned that Jordan wasn't a threat -- Kate happily hopped back into bed with Rafe and then dispensed Sami to drop that piece of info so that Jordan and Rafe would split. Kate's usually too proud to tell a man that she wants him back. But manipulate things until she gets her way? That's her jam.

LINE OF THE WEEK Anne (about Paul): "He's a playa, like fo' realz." Meredith Scott Lynn's delivery was spectacular!

Exchange of the week: Chad: "Ah, my tax dollars hard at work." Rafe: "Since when do DiMeras pay taxes?" I enjoy Rafe vs. Chad much more than I ever did Rafe vs. E.J. Chad's a little more sarcastic than E.J. ever was, and that works well with Rafe.

RANDOM THOUGHTS Nicole's gray coat with the statement collar was all kinds of glorious.

Talk of millions of dollars actually made Theresa leave a room. Weird.

Not checking your voicemail is the grown-up version of shutting your eyes and claiming that something isn't there, since you can't see it.

Nicole sure does tell a lot of guys that they make her better and stronger.

Aiden kind of resembles Doug in the hair shape and blue eyes area.

For those of you wishing for more Will/Sonny/Paul, this new casting news will make you happy.

So, Gabi is absolved of all her crimes because Gabi also had to deal with Nick. But Nicole is still a terrible person, even though she experienced the horror of Trent. You might want to rethink that logic, Mel.

I would like more of Theresa and Hope, please!

I call complete B.S. on Melanie wearing heels and a little black dress on an international flight. Her coat was super cute, though.

Marlena must work on commission now. She's making a habit of walking up to people and asking them if they need therapy. To be fair, that's a pretty safe assumption in Salem.

Aw! Abe approves of Aiden.

These better be routine tests, DAYS. If you hurt Shane Donovan, so help me, you will not like what I have to say to you!

That's it for this week! @Tony_S_Days will be back next week after we put the finishing touches on our awesome secret handshake. We have to top Nicole and Brady, so I'm thinking there will be jazz hands and a hip bump involved. We're cool like that.

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