She drives me crazy

It took a few weeks, but Salem seems to be getting into shape, thanks to two psychos who've taken over the town -- one who's crazy over Jennifer and the other who just makes viewers crazy. Find out more in this week's Two Scoops.

Let's get Gabi out of the way first. (Oh, a Scooper can dream!) Sorry, I mean, let's address the Gabi problem first. It's a sentiment that I believe Nick and I have in common.

You see, last week all but convinced me that Nick's been playing Gabi since he came back to Salem. And unlike Kristen with Brady, I don't think that Nick's going to develop genuine feelings for his prey. And I love it!!

Nick is so above Gabi in the intelligence department that it's practically elementary for him to toy with her. I almost think that he threw Will, Sonny, Sami, Kate, and E.J. into his revenge mix just to make it interesting for himself. But whatever the reason, I'm glad for it because it sets up a great explosion that will involve a lot of characters.

Just as E.J. predicted, Nick makes mistakes when he gets too confident. Thanks to blowups from Sami and Rafe last week, Nick is almost fully charged. But that didn't make me mad at Sami or Rafe one bit.

First, as much grief as I've given Rafe over the years, he is a damn good detective. He's the one who uncovered the Sydney secret, and if you can best my gal Nicole, then you have to be great. So it will only be a matter of time before he uncovers huge holes in Nick's story of New York City. For example, Rafe could find cell phone records that indicate Nick's been in Salem this whole time, since Kate was using Nick's phone for a while after he supposedly left town.

Second, I agree with Hurricane Sami. Gabi isn't competent to be a mother when Nick is around. It's not because Nick is a bad dude. Tons of gals on soaps sleep with bad dudes, and that doesn't stop them from being good mothers. It's because he calls all the shots, and Gabi can't see that. If she can't be an advocate for herself, how's she supposed to stand up for Ari? Granted, it wasn't Sami's place to say it at all. But that doesn't make the sentiment wrong.

Twice now, Nick's successfully pushed his agenda on Gabi. Luckily, both attempts to get Will out of the way fell through. But that was certainly no thanks to anything Gabi did to help the situation. Someone needs to make Gabi think, and the months of subtle and gentle conversations clearly weren't working. And when you need the opposite of subtle and gentle, well, you send in Sami.

I will say that after that break-in confrontation, Gabi had every right to ask that Sami not be allowed in the apartment. That's been Gabi's freeloading home for months now, and she does get a say in who comes in. It's just a shame that she doesn't extend this same courtesy to Will and Sonny when they've told her repeatedly that they don't want Nick in their home either.

Look, I don't think that Gabi is an intentionally evil person. It's just that I find her reckless stupidity exhausting. She's to the point where she's actively picking fights with people about Nick and rushing Arianna to his side in the catacombs of Horton Square -- you know, where nothing bad ever happens.

Nope, nothing. Certainly nothing like a vengeful parolee handing out house keys to any nutbag with decent hair. I'm talking of course of Liam. And lo and behold, that Liam has gone so far into ridiculous that he's looped back around to entertaining. He's on track to being much more Trent Robbins than Dr. Charlotte Taylor. I like it!

Sure, it's a little weak that Liam -- a man who handles controlled substances as part of his professional capacity -- is so mentally unstable that he's obsessed with Jen after two dates. But as we've discussed, revealing that Liam is really Peter Blake would sew everything up perfectly.

And how about Liam planting Jennifer's checkbook at Daniel's just so Liam could make the comment about his ex's financial shenanigans?! Impressive. That slick move has DiMera written all over it.

Speaking of more reasons why he's a DiMera, Liam miraculously managed to salvage pieces from the fire and -- wouldn't you know it -- every one of those random pieces just happened to come from the same document. Considering that Nicole shredded tons of papers, what in the name of magical coincidences are the odds? I'd say pretty good if you have access to the other copy of those emails. Print out one page, shred it, put those few pieces right back where you know they go, and you're off to blackmail your sister's enemy into keeping quiet.

That's right. Stop me if you've heard this one before, Nicole is the only one with proof of who drugged a man, and she doesn't say anything. Sure, she showed up at Daniel's house to "confess." But anyone who's ever watched soaps knew that no confession was coming out of her mouth. She said that she didn't know where to begin. The phone rang. He interrupted her with declarations that he knew what she was going to say. Standard fare.

But don't worry about Daniel. Even without Nicole, he's still got Jennifer and Brady. And those two together make up a good sixteenth of what Nicole could do. Right? Maybe?

Okay, I have to give the side-eye to Brady putting down the booze just because Dr. Dan needs saving. I don't feel like that's a true representation of addiction, especially in light of all the scenes where Maggie expressed concern over Brady's mental and physical health. And, realistically, Brady's not privy to any more Kiriakis resources than Daniel would be. But it did mean that Brady and Theresa headed to Splitsville, and that's okay with me!

Theresa and Brady weren't terrible together, but I feel like he did the bad girl thing much better with both Nicole and Kristen. At this point, I'm a little tired of seeing Brady get burned. And Theresa would chuck Brady in a heartbeat if it meant that it would save her own skin.

That's because Theresa clearly studied at the Gabi Hernandez School of It Wasn't My Fault when it comes to her part in Daniel's poisoning. She worked those tears to any hunk who would listen to her despite the fact that she gave Liam her stolen key to Daniel's apartment and basically said, "Do your worst, you wonderful little weirdo!"

If her past is any indication, she's clearly going down for this. And when she does, I'd love to see Theresa find comfort in the arms of fellow schemer Nick Fallon. Either that, or Theresa might want to cut in front of Kate in the line to marry Stefano.

As for Brady, well, it turns out that Abigail is about to experience the pain of public humiliation via visual media -- a topic that Brady just so happens to know a lot about. I wouldn't be opposed to him commiserating with her one bit.

LOOSE ENDS I wasn't behind Hope and Aiden's bake sale follies. She's a cop. He's a lawyer. They could have clashed when, say, she tried to put away a perp that he's defending.

However, this Summer Gala business has promise. What could ever go wrong with all of Salem's deepest pockets in one place at a party Hope planned where the biggest donor has the hots for Roman? Plus, we don't ever pass on the opportunity to see Kristian Alfonso in a ball gown. No, we do not! Make it happen, Haiden!

Casey Moss is all shades of adorable in his current storyline. I'm just not sure that Sweet Valley High is the best place to put the dude whose last storyline involved drug use and rape secrets. Still, while J.J. didn't name Theresa, Paige now knows that J.J. was with "someone" the night "she" overdosed. That's a big secret in the hands of a stranger! This storyline might go somewhere yet.

It's so amazingly great for Sami's character to have a sounding board. She's never had one. Even with Lucas, he would judge her. Yet E.J. doesn't, and that's a refreshing change. Plus, she's seen him through meltdowns about his dad, so it's nice to see her getting a turn.

The way Nick oozed confidence at E.J. and then asked Abigail when she was going to get off the metaphorical dating bench has to mean that he has the pictures of the Ejabigail affair. Nick's lackey, Percy, has a habit of wandering around town at night with a camera. Plus, Steffie's already cashed in on that secret.

I'm not totally broken about Nicole not coming clean to Daniel because Eric needs to be the first person she tells. Otherwise, she'll have to explain to her fianc that keeping information from him about his own rape was okay, but her platonic friend Daniel losing his job was justification for telling the truth.

HOT I'm pretty sure that Victor welcomed Will into the family by giving him a copy of the Kiriakis handbook, "How to Not Be a Chump." I cheered when Will finally said that he wants a formal custody agreement with Gabi. For way too long, Will acted more like the guy that happened to get Gabi pregnant than the man who has legal rights to his own daughter.

And Will graciously bent over backwards to make Gabi feel safe by storming right over to mommy dearest's mansion and demanding his key back. I appreciated the full circle thing that happened with Will yelling at Sami for interfering with the mother of his children. It's very Kate and Lucas, circa forever. Good job all around, Will!

NOT As my brilliant partner @Tony_S_Days explained last week, Nick and Gabi are not the equals that Sami and E.J. are, so the comparisons are really cheap. Allow me to illustrate.

Raise your hand if you believe that Sami "I shot him in the head once" Brady has any trouble standing up to E.J. No one? Good. Now, raise your hand if you think that Gabi would ever win an argument with Nick. *crickets* That's right. Nick has done horrible things to Gabi, and she's literally rolling over and taking it.

Furthermore, Gabi looks like an absolute moron saying that no one in this town is ever going to change their mind about E.J., considering that Gabi baked thank you tamales for mean ol' never-changing E.J. just a few weeks ago. Gabi's knuckleheadery knows no limits. I mean, you know it's a real problem when Rafe and I agree! See:

LINE OF THE WEEK Kate: "You have to let Gabi come to her senses." Rafe: "Gabi had a kid with a gay man. And she married Nick Fallon. She does not have any senses to come to." Right on, Raferino! Up top!

RANDOM THOUGHTS Sonny and Will started their married life together in the same unfortunate pattern shirts as before. Way to stay true to yourselves, boys!

Yes, Gabi, gullible is another word for dumb. The fact that you had to ask that proves that you're both of those things.

I love that Theresa was eating a giant piece of chocolate cake for breakfast. A woman after my own heart!

Why, hello there, Tom the bartender at the Brady Pub.

For weeks, it seemed like all we saw Gabi do was fold laundry. There's no way that all of their stuff fit into one carry-on bag.

D'oh! Jen mentioned Madison. That's 15 minutes in the time-out chair, Jen.

I hope the Summer Gala happens at Chez Rouge. I miss that place.

I really like the sibling chemistry between Kate Mansi and Casey Moss.

Chase giving Hope a thank you note for getting the bad guy was utterly adorable and makes me dislike hellion Ciara even more for giving this little dude a hard time.

Abigail's sweater with leather sleeves was badass.

Paige: "What exactly do you want to do?" J.J.: "We could hang out!" This is a thing for dates now. I feel old.

To be fair to Rafe, Gabi never did fess up to anyone about telling Andrew to keep Melanie and then lying to the police at every turn about the crime, so I'm not mad at Rafe for thinking that Gabi was a victim in the whole situation.

I'm not so crazy about how quick Sami is to play the Stefano card when it suits her.

Telling Aiden that she's treating someone from Chase's school may not exactly break doctor/patient confidentiality, but it sure felt like bad form on the part of Dr. Marlena Evans.

Those cobalt blue glasses at the DiMera mansion are pretty awesome.

Gabi was absolutely right that she only has a modeling job because Nick blackmailed Sami into it. Because, lord knows, it certainly wasn't because Gabi took the initiative to send out rsums or go on auditions on her own or anything.

I'm pretty sure Gisele Van Hopper lives next to Victoria Grayson from Revenge. With a name like that, how could she not?

Rafe may be the only one strong enough to take on Julie in a game of "I'm Protecting My Family."

Marybeth = Anne 2.0: Hating Hortons of the Next Generation

With Camila Banus soon exiting the show, I can see Gabi leaving in a body bag. And if she does, I think that Nick will frame Sonny. There's enough friction between Gabi and Sonny to justify motive, especially if Gabi tries to take Ari away from Will. And Will and Sonny are going to need some sort of drama soon. Plus, it would be a nice turnaround if Justin came to E.J. and said, "I defended Sami for you when you said you were too close. I need you to do the same for my son."

So, let me recap that all for you -- no more Gabi, and loads of Sonny, Justin, and E.J. Who's in?

TAKE A FRIEND TO SALEM DAY For those of you who've been reading Two Scoops for a while, you know that I owe my DAYS fandom to my best friend, Jamie, and her excellent-taste-in-TV mom for always having DAYS on at their house after school. I remember Jamie's mom shushing us, rewinding the tape, and playing the scene over again so she could hear it. (A display of dedication that took me far too long in life to appreciate.)

So, in light of Jamie's birthday on Monday, I want to invite you all to participate in the annual Take a Friend to Salem Day. Select a worthy person in your life and introduce them to DAYS. Skype with your coworker about Jennifer's crazy stalker. Call your sister and figure out exactly how many pieces Sami will slice Abigail into when the affair comes out. Have a friend over and get them prepped for Eve and Kristen's summer returns. Tweet me @LaurisaDays and let me know how it goes! I'll be back next week to hear all about it!

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