Hitches, glitches, and pitches

Caroline and Ridge got married without a hitch, but Brooke predicted a baby-making glitch. Ivy got fired by a witch, and Bill realized that Liam is now Steffy's bitch. Wyatt proposed making his father rich, but Bill couldn't care less about learning to stitch. Find out who's smiling after a biscuit pitch and who lands the fashion house in a vendetta ditch this week on the Bold and the Beautiful.

Sometimes love is a masterpiece, and sometimes, lovers are just pieces of work. Some couples are equal and honest, but others need bigger closets to house their egos and hide their skeletons. Life in Los Angeles is never as simple as a blindfolded taste-testing game, and on a bad day, a hungry mob of bigots might fling ketchup and biscuits in your face.

This week, we learned two valuable lessons from Rick Forrester. First, when life squirts ketchup at you, make ketchup-ade. Second, if you want to get a tough pain out, laugh it out with your loved one.

Everyone knows I'm not a Rick fan, and nothing erases his year of tyrannical selfishness. However, when compared to Steffy -- and her little dog, Liam -- Rick wasn't so bad as CEO. He was overbearing, but at least Ivy kept her job and Aly kept her breath during his tenure. The same cannot be said under the dictatorship of Steffy and Liam, and the irony is not lost on viewers.

Liam was supposed to fix things for Ivy and Aly by ridding them of Rick. Instead, Aly is dead, and Ivy is out of a job. Liam lost hero stock under the new Forrester regime. Rick, on the other hand, has come a long way from his gun-toting, fist-pounding obsession with revenge, prestige, and power. He proved it when returning from a pummeling, at a food truck of all places, full of smiles and jokes instead of manically ransacking the building for his gun or letter opener.

It was hard to envision Rick and Maya lining up for lunch at a food truck, even if Maya grumbled that it was "trendy." It might be the best in L.A., but I still can't see the servant-pampered Forresters waiting in line for a bagged lunch. A food truck was good enough for Rick, who, in a bonus scene, lamented his treatment of Aly. It's too bad that he and Maya weren't good enough for the food truck patrons, who threw food at Rick because he's married to a transgender woman.

I'd pay to see people throw food at Maya and Rick when they deserve it; however, they didn't deserve it for being in love, married, and hungry for some lunch. News of the attack angered me, but you'd barely perceive that it had perturbed Rick. He joked about it to keep Maya from feeling that she had caused this type of thing in his life. I commend Rick for protecting his wife's feelings and helping her to not be bitter with the world about the incident.

The event helped Rick. It enabled him to empathize with what Julius had gone through with the public. Maya guessed she should> understand and forgive. She admitted that she might be able to if it wasn't her father. Just as Maya wants the public to release her to live in peace without judgment, my wish is that Maya someday releases Julius from her judgment to live in peace, too.

Biscuits weren't the only things people pitched this week. Ridge pitched an elopement to Caroline, and as the couple scampered off to left field to get hitched, Thomas pitched a kiss that landed right on the motor-mouth Nicole. Amazingly, even that didn't shut her up.

Thomas and Nicole need to stop talking and steer clear of each other before her nosiness and tongue-wagging wind up screwing up her relationship with Zende. Thomas' kiss was probably a distraction from the subject of Caroline, but Thomas shouldn't be gabbing to or kissing on the human Twitter box at all. Nicole won't keep it to herself, and eventually Zende will learn that his cousin kissed his girl. Plus, the more Thomas allows Nicole to interrogate him, the more likely it will be that she'll learn his and Caroline's secret.

If Nicole gets the secret out of Thomas directly or from eavesdropping on him and Caroline -- who also need to shut up about it -- Nicole will gossip about it behind every cracked door, just like she did with Maya's secret. One day, Ridge will be on the other side of one of those doors, and love's masterpiece will break into a million pieces.

If Ridge doesn't overhear Nicole, it'll be Brooke, who already warned Ridge that he's too old to be dancing around with Caroline like two Rydell High students on summer break. Ridge is annoyed that Brooke is up in his vasectomy reversal business, but Brooke is right -- what is Caroline going to make of Ridge mysteriously catching elephantiasis of the nuts?

It was smart of Ridge to abscond with Caroline to a secret location to get hitched. It kept Brooke from pulling ashore in a tank-boat to demand that he speak now and never hold his peace about his Parisian neuter. Ridge went a little overboard with the wedding privacy, though. Asking Thomas to be his best man and then ditching him was a little rude.

Ridge claimed they didn't even need Carter to officiate, but I believe Ridge just forgot he even knew Carter. Caroline's laugh gives Ridge Alzheimer's. He forgot about Carter, the fashion house, and telling his executives that he's checking out for a few days to get married.

One thing Ridge better not forget is to file the marriage license. He and Brooke missed filing theirs twice. The first time, Pam's fault apparently, resulted in Brooke's favorite courthouse wedding. The second time, Ridge stayed in Paris, and they didn't bother filing anything.

I want Ridge and Caroline to create beautiful children just like they create beautiful gowns. If they can't, Ridge had better make sure his marriage to Caroline is filed and legal, because he'll need the six-month waiting period for a divorce to convince her to stay with him anyway.

I suspect that Caroline might need the six-month period to convince Ridge to raise his grandchild. Caroline's "Thomas" skeleton will bust out of her closet just about the time her belly starts busting out of her midriff shirts. Caroline thinks she's in the pregnancy clear, probably because her Aunt Flo told her so in the bathroom the other week. I hate break it to her, but Aunt Flo can lie. If Caroline wants to know for sure that she and Thomas are in the clear, she should submit to a blood test.

I also suspect that Ridge's doctor can't reverse the vasectomy, and Ridge will stuff that information in the closet, too. By the time Caroline discovers she's pregnant, she'll think Ridge is the father. Ridge will know she cheated, but he won't say anything because it means telling her that he can't father children. The one question is what he'll do Thomas once he figures out Thomas is the father.

In another possible twist, Ridge's initial procedure didn't even take, so he can have kids. Like Dr. Brooke Logan, Ridge's stateside physician relies only on the Internet to advise Ridge that the initial procedure can't be undone. Eventually, they learn that Caroline's baby is actually Ridge's, but by then, Caroline and Thomas will be together, anticipating parenthood.

What scenarios do you envision for Ridge and Caroline? Can love continue to be a masterpiece for them, or does this vasectomy pose a major glitch for their happily ever after?

While married couples work out their glitches, Steffy expects Liam to ride or die with her unilateral decisions. Careers hang on the whim of Steffy-de-Ville, who's out for some Aussie hide, but her icy ways might land her and Liam on the scalding hot bad side of the mighty Dollar Bill.

Who needed tennis on Labor Day when we've had the weeks-long "Tag, You're the Bitch" back-and-forth rally between Steffy and Ivy? Liam, Wyatt, and Ivy thought they'd reached a truce with the deleting of the video, but Steffy sent the game into extra innings in her bid to prove that no one will ever out-bitch her.

We viewers can end the pretense that this war between the cousins is about justice for Aly or Steffy's ability to trust Ivy. There was never going to be justice for the girl who died trying to murder Steffy, and Steffy wasn't ever going to let the first woman to legally marry Liam -- besides her -- stay close enough to steal him back.

Ivy's little marriage record must stick in Steffy's craw because she'd managed to delay, interrupt, prevent, and in some cases, inadvertently undo each of Liam's attempted weddings and marriages to Hope. Steffy claims she can't trust her video-recording, blackmailing, job-absconding, rock-blind cousin to with work with her, but in truth, she doesn't trust Ivy to work around Liam.

Steffy knows from experience that having Liam's ex-lovers around, taking photos in front of him, and leaning over files with him makes him waffle off that tightrope she's got him walking. When he falls, it's right into the arms of the ex. That means Ivy's gotta go -- all the way back to Aussie Land.

Ridding herself of Ivy has been Steffy's plan ever since she got back to town, Aly's death and the video notwithstanding. Since day one, Steffy's agenda was Liam, not Forrester. She told Wyatt that all she and Liam needed was proximity for things to heat back up. In her heart, she knows it's all any woman needs to spark things up with Liam -- proximity plus a little rescuing.

In the past, Steffy lost Liam by forgetting to be the victim during her miscarriage. This go-round, Steffy hit the victim lottery with Ivy's blackmail plan, and instead of succinctly shutting down Ivy's scheme and fighting for her innocence like she usually does any other time she's confronted, Steffy coiled into her victim role to let Liam do all the fighting and defending for her.

Unfortunately for Steffy, Liam wasn't turning on Ivy fast enough, and Ivy had gotten Steffy's modeling gig. Steffy wound up having to boo-hoo to Wyatt to get the job done. Once the video was deleted, Steffy shifted into Stephanie Forrester mode and fired Ivy before her first photo shoot.

I'm not saying Ivy doesn't deserve what she gets. Her ego had blown up to the size of Kangaroo-Zilla. Steffy does have a point about Ivy holding on to an unearned job, too. Someone had to pop Ivy's bubble, but Steffy's methods of doing it show how calculating she is.

Steffy didn't tell Liam she was going to fire Ivy. Liam thought they were going to a photo shoot, not a photo finish of Ivy's career. Steffy knew what she had up her sleeve all along, even though Wyatt and Liam had both asked her to put the vendetta to bed. The disconcerted Liam stood behind Steffy, even though he thought the firing and security escort was unnecessary.

Talk about your micromanaging. Steffy personally fired Ivy, personally sicced security on her, personally detained Ivy while Charlie packed her things, and personally drafted a lie of a press release about the whole incident. What president of an international business has time for crap like that? A president determined to bully her vice present's ex into going back to Australia.

According to Ivy, it almost worked. Before Wyatt told Ivy about his plan, she was contemplating leaving the country like Steffy had said. Steffy couldn't be everywhere at once, so she left Liam to defend her actions to Quinn. "If Steffy can't trust you, that's it. You're out," was all he could muster under scrutiny.

Liam's words made me think of all the times that Steffy has said "I" and "we" during this whole thing. She told everyone that "I" have the power to make staff decisions. "I" am the president. "I" can't trust Ivy. "My" father will back "me." Where does "we," as in her and Liam, come into it?

Liam even told Ivy that it didn't matter if he sided with Steffy because "she" had the power, and Ridge would back "her." Liam finally got to tell Steffy on Friday that he didn't back the decision, but he quickly added that he wasn't the one who had to trust Ivy.

Steffy doesn't need to trust Ivy. If Ridge, Caroline, and Rick created record sales with gun shots, affairs, and distrust between them, what does Steffy's trust of Ivy have to do with anything?

Liam's concerned that Steffy's decisions irked Wyatt, who vowed that "they," meaning Steffy and Liam, would regret it. Liam should worry because Wyatt did what he does best. He whined to the parent with the most influence to do something about Liam, and Quinn won't be too far behind.

Wyatt grumbled to Bill at just the right time, too. Even though Bill wants to prevent a war between the brothers, Bill's bored wife wants a new project, and Katie's favorite project is making women with whom Bill cheated pay over and over and over and over.

Katie was drooling like Pavlov's dogs when Wyatt dangled in front of her the opportunity to build a Spencer fashion house to rival Forrester. Fans salivated, too. We're desperate to have a soap about fashion be about fashion. Unsurprisingly, Bill resisted the idea of becoming a dressmaker.

Bill doesn't appreciate constantly hearing that he owes Wyatt something, and he questions whether Ivy could be a couture designer, as Wyatt proposed. Wyatt's pitch needs a lot more work if he expects Bill to give a stitch about it. Repeating that he could make Bill even-more-richer didn't faze Bill for the headache he predicts will come of it.

Wyatt seems resigned to not getting what he wants. If he wants this fashion house for himself and Ivy, then he needs to dig that blue diamond out of whatever Forrester boutique it's collecting dust in, and he needs to use it to fund his new company.

Wyatt gifted the diamond to Hope, and she accepted it -- on behalf of her line. Well, her line is gone, so he should get the gem back from Forrester. If Forrester won't comply, Wyatt knows how to make the diamond disappear, and Charlie might be willing to help Wyatt get the diamond out of Europe.

It's possible that Wyatt might still have a chance for Bill's backing. Katie is quite tenacious at getting her way out of Bill, and Liam and Steffy's snotty attitudes toward Bill might pave the way for their own competition. Bill and Katie paid a surprise visit to Steffy and Liam this week, and Katie said the outcome had been that Bill no longer thinks Steffy walks on water, and Liam was just a jerk.

Was Katie embellishing? Hell, no. She was understating matters. With the way Steffy and Liam treated Bill and Katie, Bill ought to yank their swords off their necks -- if Steffy even has hers still.

During the visit, Liam told Bill -- who'd helped Steffy and Liam get their jobs -- that he needs to make appointments to talk to them. If it wouldn't have given Katie a heart attack, I would love for Bill to have told Steffy, "I didn't see you making appointments to bust out of your coat, hop on my lap, and kneel at my feet in your panties back in the day."

Bill wasn't even there to ask about Ivy's job, but Steffy exerted her authority to hire and fire staff. I wish Bill had opened his hand and said, "I have the authority to take your house keys right now."

Liam claimed he wanted Bill to let him do his job and not micromanage. The problem is, Bill wasn't there to micromanage. In fact, Bill and Katie never got to say why they were there because Steffy was too busy shutting them down, and Liam was too busy parroting her.

Bill looked at Liam as if he were a stranger and asked, "When did your choke collar get so tight that you can spit on the woman you married not so long ago?" Katie wanted to know when Liam had become Steffy's yes-man and said she didn't even recognize him. Steffy couldn't believe Bill let Katie talk to Liam that way. You know what I didn't believe? That Liam let Steffy talk to his father and stepmother the way she did.

I didn't think anyone needed to remind Steffy that even after she'd blackmailed Bill, he'd still trusted her and championed her. How can she mistreat the stockholder who helped her get her job and the man who amassed an international army to save her brother from Berry Island?

If I were Bill, I would have found Rick and asked how much money he had in his pocket. Whatever it was, even a penny, I would have exchanged it for my stock in Forrester. I would have done it because Rick had been completely right when he'd told Bill how Ridge's new regime would treat him.

Since that conversation with Bill, Liam can't stop thinking about what he did wrong. Steffy keeps patting him on the back like a good little doggy, but he knows something's wrong when even Katie won't back him up. He wants to give Wyatt a new title to make it better, but President Steffy, in charge of staffing, doesn't even know what Wyatt's title is.

Yeah, Liam. Something's wrong. Steffy played her Queen, but Ivy has the King Bill card. Just like you told Steffy, when someone shows you who they are, you believe them. What did you show Bill and Katie of yourself? You're whole family's upset with you, but hey, Steffy loves you. You can't be all bad, right?

What do you think? Were Liam and Steffy justified in their talk with Bill and Katie? Will their disrespect lead Bill to back Wyatt? What designer could Wyatt bring aboard to appease Bill? Clark Garrison, Amber Moore, Morgan DeWitt -- or maybe this Christian character the writers have been promising?

Until next time, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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