The Forresters: Bold, beautiful, and an endangered species

From inappropriate funeral guests and breakups to inept death investigations and comfort sex, it's no wonder everyone forgot to pick up a police report on Aly's death. Forresters keep dying, and the slow birth rate has this scooper wondering if fashion's first family might be headed toward extinction this week on the Bold and the Beautiful.

Is it morbid to want to plan your own funeral? Is it unseemly to leave instructions that your unapologetic tormentors are not invited? I'd always been worried that I'd have an empty room on that day, but witnessing Aly's funeral gave me a bigger worry -- that my funeral would be filled with people claiming to love me who didn't lift a finger to help me when I was in need. If you feel me on that, then you might appreciate my take on Aly's memorial.

A memorial of mutes and idiots

Five families gathered for Aly's funeral/memorial service at the mansion. From above, it was Maya's haughty portrait, not God, presiding over Aly's farewell. During the gatherers' silence, muted-out speeches, and flashbacks, I wondered who'd plan my funeral and if it would be the way I'd want it.

Before her death, Aly was thinking more about murdering than dying, but I suspect her dream guest list for her funeral would include Thorne, Hope, Ivy, Pam, Charlie, Eric, Oliver, Darla Headroom, Stephanie's portrait, her goldfish, and the dolls from the Bates Motel dollhouse upstairs. What she got was a roomful of idiots who had bullied her, had betrayed her, hadn't even known her, or had outright killed her.

We should pity Thorne, who'd reined Aly in for most of her life, and in a bid for a life of his own, he'd trusted the family to help him shoulder the burden. Brooke was on board with it and so was Eric -- when Aly first arrived -- but somewhere along the way, they left it up to Oliver, Pam, and Charlie to keep Aly on track.

Jousting and cosplay wasn't enough to keep Aly sane -- especially after she got wrapped up in Liam's life. The family should have kept her far away from him. Any woman in Liam's realm is bound to burst at the sanity seams, and that's just what Aly did the moment Steffy began to cha-cha-cha back into the picture.

Aly's sanity had already sprung a leak when Rick and Maya subjected her to their sickly servant games. Eric should have immediately put a stop to that, especially because he knew Aly had been a bully victim in school. What amazes me is that when Thorne finally learned about it all -- in the freaking bonus scene -- he basically kissed Maya's ring and accepted Rick's excuse of not knowing how much bullying Aly could tolerate.

Yet, there Rick and Maya sat in the front row of the memorial, looking as bored as sinners in a church sermon, and no one even had the decency to take that monstrosity of a portrait off the wall for just one day of Aly reverence. I wish Pam had ripped the thing off the wall, replaced it with Aly's grandmother, and shoved a lemon bar in the mouth of anyone who dared to say one word about it.

The nave Thorne told guests that Aly loved them all and that she'd told him they'd made her happy. Well, Thorne, Aly also told you to date Taylor. Aly misled you about that, and she misled you about them. They didn't make her happy, and they didn't protect her, either, as you'd hoped they'd do.

Rick and Maya used Aly, Nicole took Aly's room, and Ridge let Steffy threaten to send her to Paris. Ivy urged Aly to stick up for herself, and the moment she did, Ivy told her that she was overreacting. They touted freedom and acceptance, but no one accepted Aly's thoughts and ideas.

Aly felt abandoned by her family members, one being her uncle, who at least admitted at the funeral that the family must have fast-forwarded through Aly's episodes of crazy.

Another family member who abandoned Aly is her beloved ex-step-cousin and idol, Hope, who didn't bother to video-call herself to the memorial of her biggest fan. Hope should have been there so we could fondly flash back to their childhoods when Hope told Aly that Taylor had killed Darla.

Instead, Aly got memorial guests like Quinn, a woman who might have tossed Aly over a rail and into oncoming traffic. There's Wyatt, who, along with Quinn, Aly had smelled evil all over. Aly got Deacon, Hope's stand-in, and Bill and Katie, who probably never had a scene with Aly. The only Spencer Aly cared about is that flipper Liam, who consoled her killer at her memorial.

Brooke Logan was there for Thorne, which was appropriate, but didn't it seem strange that Brooke didn't speak at all for the entire episode? If you blinked, you might have missed Carter sitting by the staircase, and if you were late tuning in or slipped off to the bathroom, you might have missed the scene of Pam and Charlie consoling Oliver and the five seconds that Oliver was too choked up to speak during the montage of guest speeches and flashbacks.

Oliver loved Aly, but some of his crying had to be for himself because his run at Forrester and as a B&B character probably died along with Aly. Even so, Zach Conroy did well with Oliver's expression of grief. Sometimes, no words can be said, and it pained me to see him choke up like that.

Winsor Harmon delivered a powerful performance as the disillusioned and grieving father, and his presence reminded me that I was watching the Bold and the Beautiful -- not the kiddie show it's become. I just wish Oliver and Thorne could grieve and be outraged together rather than Oliver fading back into the woodwork while his girlfriend's death takes center stage.

Pam assured Oliver that Aly was in a better place. Where would that be? A place between here and there, where Sunshine Darla awaits Aly with open arms? That would have trumped Stormy-Cloud Darla abandoning Aly on PCH in the middle of her and Aly's failed murder plot.

What's your opinion of Aly's memorial? Did you want to see her casket or watch a morgue scene like Phoebe's? Would it have helped if officials had notified the family or if you'd seen Lieutenant Baker staring down the presumed-guilty party? Thorne wants closure. Can officials provide it?

Inept Investigative idiots

Aly's death was just as Ridge said at the memorial. The scene was like "a poor player that struts his hour upon the stage and is heard from no more..."

We last saw Alexandria Forrester sprawled headfirst against a rock on a dark highway. I was certain we'd next see a replay, Aly carried off on a stretcher, worried family members crowding the hospital corridors, a heart monitor flat-lining -- anything. But nope. The next scene was Steffy dragging herself into the mansion -- because she has no set home -- and no family knew what had happened. No tow-truck lights bounced off the mansion windows while the drivers dropped off Steffy and/or Aly's cars. No police officers entered behind her to talk to the family. There was no Ivy arriving right behind Steffy. Ivy went to work instead of returning to the house, where people should have been waiting to see if she'd located the hate-shrine building Aly.

So far, Ivy has only told Wyatt that she'd been at the scene. I'm assuming no one else knows she was there. Thorne took off from the house after learning about Aly, but he apparently didn't go to the police station, hospital, or morgue. If he had, someone at those places would have told him who'd witnessed the death. Someone would have handed him a police report containing Ivy's statement -- unless while withholding evidence, Ivy also lied to the police about witnessing anything.

The memorial was held days after the incident, according to passing statements by Liam and Steffy. I'm impressed that Ivy, who couldn't hold the immigration secret for a day and who refused to hold Rick's love nest secret, can sit on the information about Steffy for so long.

Ivy seems to be giving Steffy the same chance Ivy gave Rick, which was to come clean before she squealed; however, Steffy is acting as if she doesn't know what to come clean about. Liam told Wyatt that Steffy doesn't remember, but if that's true, why did she tell Thorne, "I didn't mean to...?"

Better questions might be why Thorne doesn't remember she said it and why Thorne acts like he can't go to the police to make Steffy talk. Will Thorne get answers before he disappears from town just as fast as Eric left on the Fourth of July?

Eric seems to have disappeared yet again while his family needs him. Don't be surprised if we hear a passing comment that Thorne is doing okay in Paris, where Eric is helping him cope.

Endangered Idiots

Ridge wants to know the purpose of Aly's death. He should take comfort in knowing that the death signified many things. First, a prime bedroom just opened up for the taking at the mansion. Second, we never have to see Darla Headroom again. Third, we probably won't hear anything else about HFTF, and everyone is free to have all of the sin with none of the guilt. That means Oliver is "California Free" to find a girl who puts out.

The biggest impact of Aly's death for the show is that the Forresters seem to be headed for extinction. When Thorne arrived and the memorial commenced, I inventoried the blood Forresters in the room. Eric, Rick, Ivy, and Thorne were it -- unless we find out that Ridge's DNA test is wrong, returning Ridge's Forresterhood to him. It'd be messy due to Rick's relationships with Phoebe and Steffy, but writers should explore it before Ridge's on-again, off-again daughter, Bridget, arrives.

Thorne's only offspring is dead, and unless Rick gets a surrogate, Maya is somehow able to give birth, or Little D once again becomes Little E, the Forrester bloodline is in real danger. Instead of overloading the show with youngsters, the writers might need to drum up some illegitimate sons for Eric and Thorne before no one remains to carry on the Forrester bloodline, as has already happened to the Logans. The Spencer family has grown, but the youngsters aren't having babies. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Katie delivered the last live baby of any family in 2012 or 2013. She probably lost him somewhere in a laundry basket, because he's never seen, but lucky for Bill, he still has two other viable sons.

Family and kids don't seem to be in vogue in Los Angeles. "Boyfriend" is the title of prominence, and almost every relationship is "taking it slow" in the sex department. Hell, Eric isn't even trying to get himself any, and Brooke hasn't gotten it on since her last helicopter-caper wedding.

For the first time in B&B history, we don't have any "sluts." What's this show coming to? Aly was delusional when she thought everything was sex and pornography. In truth, the writers barely scheduled any sex until the virgin Aly died. With Aly gone, there's a whole lot of "consoling" going on.

To keep the show flowing, Bell's been infusing it with transient singles with nary a set to live on. If Bell keeps it up, Rick will have to start renting rooms at the mansion. What's your thought? Is B&B turning into a tale told by idiots who are driving the first families into extinction? Do you tune in for Forresters, Logans, and Spencers, or do the characters not matter as long as there are good stories?

The two-timing, bad-timing idiot

There's never a good time to kill a person or a relationship, but killing a relationship while your girlfriend is accusing your other girlfriend of killing someone really does put the "idiot" in inappropriate.

People have been doling out schedules for when to broach topics or air grievances. Meetings aren't the time for Aly's psychotic episodes. Funerals are not the time for Ridge's soliloquies, according to Eric. I'd debate him about that, but there is no debate that a funeral is unequivocally not the time to tell a woman who's just lost her cousin that you're leaving her for her living, "murderous" other cousin.

It was no surprise to Ivy that Liam had chosen Steffy -- especially since Ivy practically handed his leash over to Steffy weeks ago. That probably happened because Quinn mysteriously stopped scheming on Ivy and Wyatt's behalves, leaving the romantically challenged duo to fend for themselves.

As Wyatt said, it turns out to be a good thing. Without Quinn's interference and with a pinch of acceptance, Wyatt and Ivy have a shot at becoming "boyfriend and girlfriend." Liam is stuffed so far in Steffy's bra that he didn't even see the relationship with Ivy and Wyatt forming. Maybe Liam's Apex-Mountain-sized ego blocked his view, causing him to ram his foot down his throat during inappropriately timed conversations at the memorial.

Viewers know that Wyatt's concern for Steffy emerged because he's seen the video; however, the moment Wyatt expressed this concern to Liam, Liam implied that Wyatt would take advantage of Aly's death to hit on Steffy. Wyatt was offended, claiming he'd never do something like that -- except he did do something like that when he took advantage of Liam mourning the miscarriage to swoop in on Hope.

Seriously, though, Wyatt isn't using Aly's death to score points with any woman, and it's a good thing. Viewers have had their fill of people benefiting romantically by exploiting others. Liam, on the other hand, irks me by acting like Steffy is the only woman on the planet.

I wanted Hope to show up at the funeral to make Liam's head explode. Wouldn't it be something if, after pledging himself to Steffy, Liam sees Hope and realizes that they have been given another chance, and he can't turn his back on that? At least that's the tale the idiot told Ivy about Steffy after months of claiming he'd catch a grenade for her, jump in front of a train for her, and blah, blah, lie, lie.

While Liam's catching grenades and falling on blades for Steffy, I hope he disinfected his skuzzy bedroom for her, too. Wasn't that nasty, watching him and Steffy have sex on that bed? I had flashbacks of Amber, Steffy, Hope, and Ivy getting it on with him in that very spot. Hopefully, he's got new sheets and new toothbrush prizes for his winning contestant.

Liam has been narcissistic all along, but it was never so glaring to me as when he interrupted Ivy and Steffy's conversation, believing it was about him and not the death of their cousin, to throw a breakup grenade at Ivy. As if Ivy hasn't seen him super-glued to Steffy from the day she arrived in town and as if Ivy hasn't noticed that he hasn't even texted her to see how she's doing since the annulment.

Liam didn't even bother to insist upon going with Ivy to find the nail-driving Aly. In fact, has he even asked Ivy how her night of searching for Aly went? You guys get the point. I don't have to waste more space on this idiot -- except to say that he better not dare accuse Wyatt of a damn thing after tossing Ivy like a used tissue.

Fashionably tactless idiots

While some mourned in black their first day back at work, some people didn't get the memo. Ivy donned another puzzle-piece dress, this one in royal blue. Caroline was only in half-mourning, wearing a black and white dress that someone forgot to sew a midriff onto.

Wyatt, whose only fashion worry is which checkered pattern won't clash with his moustache, went with brown and green hues. Even Wyatt's funeral suit was gray plaid. What is it with him and plaid?

The king of black fashion is our dark poet, Ridge. Since he mostly wears black, no one knows if he got the mourning memo or not. As poetic as he can be, he can't seem to find the eloquence for his son. Thomas is a sardonic chip off the old block. He can dish it right back to Ridge, but what's a good retort for when your father rips up a design you pored over all night?

"You might call my design an embarrassment, but you'll be embarrassed when I bag your designer?" Maybe? That seems to be what Thomas is looking to do. While Caroline and Ridge were busy making whoopee, Thomas was sketching a picture of Caroline's face. Thomas thinks he's more sensual than his father. Wait till Thomas gets a load of Ridge's sketch of Caroline. Ridge sketched parts of her that Thomas has never seen.

While it's cute that Thomas carries a Caroline torch, kind of like his Brooke crush was cute at first, Caroline had better watch out. Just like Quinn said, Thomas seems to get what he wants, even if he has to break his father's heart by lying about his father's wife -- which is why I'm surprised Brooke hustled herself to the executive wing to talk to Thomas about his career.

When Brooke last helped Thomas get his start, it was all very "Taboo." In a similar plot, Caroline has become the woman to catapult Thomas' career. She'll help Thomas design and convince Ridge to give his son a chance. We can only hope Caroline isn't such a ditz that she gets caught up in the Taboo redux, go from muse to used, and lose another man to a symbiotic design relationship with his nemesis.

Thomas claims to be in town for his sister, with whom he hasn't had one scene. He's had at least four with Caroline. The writing's on the wall. Do you think Caroline learned anything from her broken marriage last year? Will Brooke play the role of Maya to get Ridge back, "just like that?" Or have there been enough time and enough Thomas recasts to make it okay for Brooke and the new Thomas to have a fling?

Let us know what you think about the tornado of a triangle -- or square -- headed Caroline's way. Don't forget, we have a wedding on the way, too. Will Julius speak now or forever hold onto Rick's wallet? Till next time, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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