Mentally ill in the house on the hill

Tighten the bolts! The nuts and elephants are loose on the Bold and the Beautiful this week. L.A. residents are letting down their hair and hauling out the underwear for new campaigns and summer romances. In the pursuit of life, liberty, panties, and bikinis, watch out for the prairie-dress patrol. She'll fine you for being a tramp and slap you with a chastity belt.

If you're a man, don't fear. The prairie-dress patrol only hunts women -- and Oliver. The other men are free to run around shirtless, date their ex-wives, and bake cakes all day.

The spring of oppression is flung, and everyone asserts their California freedom -- freedoms like the freedom to marry and annul at will or to date another person in your mate's face. Yes, their forefathers fought hard for these freedoms, but before we celebrate them, we must clear out the elephants in the room; they are haplessly trapped in the middle of the freedom party.

Since no one else in Los Angeles will do it, I'm taking the ton of butter Pam tried to harden everyone's arteries with for the Fourth of July, and I'm slathering it all over the doorways to liberate a few dozen elephants from Forrester and the mansion. The first elephant to go is the personal-business elephant sucking all the oxygen out of Ridge's meetings.

This week, Ridge had to cut his second meetings in a row short because the inmates want to run the asylum. Was it better when Rick ran the place and didn't have the time or inclination for any personal business other than his own? Was it better when the CEO's office was a private place for Maya and Rick to get it on and not a rent-by-the-hour room for employees?

Now that the piranha employees don't have Rick to chew on, they are eating each other alive at the business table. If you ask me, certain things need to stay out of meetings. For example, no one saw Rick announce in the meeting that he and Maya had reconciled, so who the hell needed to know that Liam and Ivy are no longer unnecessarily defrauding the government?

Aly is another thing that needs to stay out of meetings. I'm beginning to wonder if Rick was right to tighten Aly's sanity bolts by placating her shoe line dreams. Aly's behavior at the last couple of meetings might be evidence that Rick, though a dictator he might be, was onto something.

I deplored Rick for turning Aly into his personal slave, and I'm the first to ask where the killer Darla Headroom was when this was happening to her precious daughter; however, drawing shoes and massaging feet might have kept Aly on the right side of reality with Oliver and her pet fish.

Rick also might have been right to get Aly out of her HFTF worshipping cave. Is it possible that Aly is back in the bedroom Darla's been haunting, and the HFTF-laden walls are closing in on her?

On the other hand, Rick and Maya might be the reason Aly just bought the Bates Motel, and they should have thought about the effects of their treatment of her before the entire family wound up renting rooms from her. Aly's already got the dresses Norman's mother liked to wear, and don't be surprised if a taxidermied Stephanie winds up at the piano beside Aly, singing, "Mentally ill in the house on the hill...."

I wouldn't be surprised if Aly showed up in a blonde wig and raised a knife to Maya or Steffy in the shower. Or was it a coincidence that Steffy joked about Liam having her competition wear a wig?

One person who should have thought about Rick and Maya's effect on Aly was Eric, who'd been so concerned about Aly the last time she wigged out and smelled evil all over Wyatt and Quinn. She was right about that, and she's probably right to smell slut and skank all over Maya and Steffy now; however, things might not have gotten this far if Eric had reigned in Rick and Maya.

If Eric had, Aly would be talking to Stephanie's portrait, a spirit that has some sense and integrity, and not the spirit of the man-stealing Darla who has the nerve to call Steffy and Taylor sluts when Darla got pregnant by her best friend's man. Please don't let Aly know I released that elephant. She might try to stab me, too, and I value my life.

Aly has a spirit like that of Stephanie, who threw the tramp word around until her enemies thought it was their real name. Aly's also got the Douglas insanity and violence genes, possibly inherited from Pam and Stephanie's abusive father. Those things mixed with Darla's Einstein-deficient gene are dangerous, and it was unconscionable of Eric to allow Rick to trip Aly's dormant psycho elephant.

Ridge tried to solve the Aly problem by just not telling her about the next meeting, but he screwed that up by inadvertently telling her about the next meeting. Aly's ears perked up like a dog's when Ridge reminded Steffy about the meeting, and he begrudgingly agreed to let Aly attend it.

In an elephant-sized bundle of nerve, Rick and Maya tried to talk to Aly about releasing her anger and told her to live and let live. As if Rick has ever learned to let go of any anger toward Ridge and as if Maya had let Caroline live. I'm glad Aly dismissed them because until they acknowledge what they did to her and officially give her room back to her, they need to remain on Darla's stormy-halo hit list.

Another elephant floating around Ridge's meeting was Brooke. Brooke reappeared out of nowhere and welcomed Maya and Rick back to the company as if Brooke hadn't been gone for the same length of time. She gave no hint or clue to where she'd been or about whether she'd talked to Rick since she'd told him to let Maya go.

When last Brooke and Rick talked, she was telling Rick that Maya withholding things from him and Maya's disappearing on him might be negative traits for a mate. When last Maya had seen Brooke, she'd been accusing Brooke of looking down on her for being transgender. I'm surprised Zende and Nicole didn't trip on that elephant when they saw Brooke laughing with Maya and Rick at the office.

Maybe the interns couldn't see that elephant because it was hiding behind the elephant of Brooke's job title. Brooke was supposed to be the co-VP in charge of keeping Ridge off Rick's back, and she'd had a long conversation with Ridge about what he thought he was doing with the young Caroline. Has anyone directed Brooke to the unemployment line because Liam has her job? I guess they are afraid to say anything for fear of riling up her alcoholic elephant.

What's strange is that Brooke reacted to nothing at Forrester except Zende and Rick's presence. She didn't react or render an opinion about Ridge's leadership. We didn't even hear a peep out of her when Ridge announced that Hope's line was washed up.

Brooke didn't even defend Rick's banner quarter based upon a line that Ridge deemed as dead. Brooke -- and no one else -- even mentioned that Rick opened up markets in the Far East and based a jewelry department upon HFTF, but HFTF has run out? Really? Maya was its lead model. The public is apparently screaming for her return, but the line she was the lead model for is kaput in exchange for a freedom line named after a state in America?

I need to push this stinking California Freedom elephant to the side so I can look Ridge in the eyes when I ask him how in the hell he expects Rick to sell bras and panties to their international markets. Is he trying to set Rick up for failure? Do he and Steffy really think women in Dubai, Abu Dhabi, and India can even legally embrace this California-Freedom panties and bikini fest?

I also need to ask Ridge what in the world is Aly's job if there is no HFTF? No wonder Aly is crazy. For the last eight months, she's been shadowing the invisible Hope at work. Ridge also needs to discuss the elephant of Thorne's job. If Rick has taken over Forrester International, what does Thorne do now?

I suspect that when Ridge cut this last meeting short, he fueled up the jet to fly straight to Paris to see Thorne and get him to return home to help Aly. Ridge probably had to fly there because Thorne isn't returning any text messages now that he's found himself working in the basement at International.

Ivy exercised one of her freedoms this week. It was the freedom of self-demotion. She gave up her right be to her husband's wife, and while claiming to have too much dignity to fight over a man, she exchanged her winning position for a chance to become a contestant for her husband's heart.

In my last column, I told you I'd send Ivy straight off to Milan for relationship rehab if she had the nerve to still want Liam after his latest relationship flip-flop, and I meant it. Just as soon as Ridge gets back with the jet -- hopefully, with Thorne and some men in white in tow for Aly -- aboard it, Ivy must go to visit Hope and get a refresher course in exactly why Hope refused to go through with several weddings and didn't bother even putting ink to her nuptials performed in the fabulous Italy.

Maybe Ivy came into the Lope game too late to really appreciate the saga Hope had been in with Liam, but I wish Ivy could flash back to the boutique in Amsterdam, recall the pained look on Hope's face, and remember that Hope had almost had a nervous breakdown upon seeing Liam and Ivy as a couple. Next, I'd like Ivy to flash back to Steffy hulking out at the cliff house over Liam marrying Ivy.

Can't Ivy put two and two together? Duh, Ivy, it's your turn to have a nervous breakdown over Liam and his waffling ways! Ivy's just as nutty as Aly if she believes that there can be a happy ending with Liam. Even Aly isn't so busy running the Bates Motel that she doesn't have time to warn Ivy that puppy love won't win out over underwear.

But Ivy just sighs, shifts her weight from foot to foot, and hopes that somehow, her love will win out -- despite the fact that she and Liam haven't slept together since Steffy landed in town and haven't spent one hour alone together since the most boring wedding night ever. And she's staring right at Liam and Steffy's elephant-foreplay on the diving board at the party.

Ivy wants to be fair and see more in Steffy than trampiness. Ivy had better start seeing the reality that Ivy's so-called cousin has no problem kissing Ivy's man like she owns him and then grinning in Ivy's face about getting along like family. Steffy also has no problem leaning on Wyatt's shoulder in front of Liam and giggling about dating him and Liam at the same time.

What is one word for behavior like that? Oh, tramp. That word Aly used. Aly might be going crazy, but she seems to have more sense than most of them about certain things.

Ivy told Liam that she wouldn't run away like the other women in his past. Her plan is to outwit, outplay, and outlast, but how does Ivy, who drew up her annulment papers herself, think she can outlast the master who refused to sign and kept Liam in a marriage for six extra months? Ivy thinks she and Liam are dating, but based upon the holiday party, I'm wondering whose date Liam was that day.

Liam hasn't even said a word to Ivy at this party. In the tight pow wow of four in the corner, he didn't stand near her or look at her. On the other hand, Wyatt at least got an arm around Steffy. Maybe he's Ivy's best ally, because his desire for Steffy gives Ivy her most powerful weapon -- Quinn.

Quinn's not Nu crazy like the young Aly. Quinn's crazy is aged like fine wine. Unlike Darla, Mama Quinn doesn't live in a "sunshine" halo. Quinn's real, and whoever her son wants, Quinn gets for her son.

How do you think it will unfold? Will Quinn continue to help Ivy strengthen her roots in Liam's heart, or will the storm cloud in Darla's halo persuade Aly to kill Steffy first? If reality happens to land on Aly like Dorothy's house landed on the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz, how will Ivy, the woman who has too much dignity to scrap over a man, win Liam back?

Ivy might not know how to promote herself to get what she wants, but the power of self-promotion isn't lost on one Avant sister. Nicole is nothing if not resourceful, and while she claimed that she wanted a second chance to earn a position at Forrester, she had no problem riding in on her Maya horse to get herself an internship at Forrester Creations.

Had Nicole honestly wanted to earn a second chance, she would have started in Forrester's human resources department, utilizing protocol to get an interview with the CEO and head designer of one of the best fashion houses in the world. Instead, she played on Pam's kindness to get a seat next to people who'd already applied and anxiously waited weeks for acceptance letters or declines.

While waiting, she met Zende, Kristen and Tony's adopted son, who was exercising his freedom to interview for a job he already had in the bag. Nicole's brush with Wyatt didn't teach her anything about how to read people, because she made the same mistakes with Zende as she'd made with Wyatt.

Nicole got all lash-batty with Zende, assumed he needed her help and let her confidence stick its big old foot in her mouth when she learned who he really was. Nicole showed just how inexperienced she is in business by not knowing how to keep her mouth shut instead of shooting off to her competition who she is and all the connections she has. She flung open the door wide for Zende to use the hell out of her for her so-called connections -- if he wasn't already connected.

In fact, Nicole shot her mouth off about herself to Zende so much that she stupidly didn't learn anything about him, and in full ignorance of anything about him, she had the nerve to try to speak on his behalf to Ridge. We can thank the gods that this repeat plot of Rick and Maya's romance part one didn't last but for an episode because Ridge revealed to Nicole who Zende is.

After Ridge awarded internships for all, Nicole injected her know-it-all foot in her mouth when Brooke squealed and rushed to greet Zende. Nicole introduced him to Brooke as Kristen and Tony's son. "She knows who he is!" Pam told Nicole, who looked away with embarrassment.

The-know-it-all figured out just how much she didn't know when Zende revealed that he was adopted, his adopted father was HIV positive, and Brooke had been married to almost all the Forrester men, save John, a rare Forrester who values his wife.

Without knowing whether she could trust Zende, whether he was someone else who might be using her to hurt Maya, Nicole did the same thing she'd done with Wyatt. She blabbed everything about Maya and her transgender journey except for the size of Maya's breast implants. To be fair, she might have told him that, too, in a bonus scene somewhere around here.

It would serve Nicole right if Zende happened to be a Forrester with a grudge against Rick, Maya, or Forrester, who'd infiltrated Forrester just to get Spencer publications more fodder for the media fire. After all, Nicole had no idea that Wyatt was a plant.

What made Nicole tell Zende so much? Was it his pretty face? He's certainly got one, doesn't he? I do have to interject that the casting was pretty good. Older Zende looks a little bit like younger Zende, even if the casting director transitioned him from an African boy to a biracial man.

Nicole became smitten with Zende just as quickly as she did with Wyatt. In fact, while staring at Zende throughout the entire Independence Day party, she didn't even notice that Wyatt was in the mansion. Or maybe she and Wyatt are just good at ignoring the elephant between them?

What do you think of Zende Forrester Dominguez and how he fits into the cast? On this topic, posters from the Soap Central message board expressed their displeasure at the idea of Zende, a historical character, being dragged on screen to prop up the B character, Nicole.

Instead of investing in Nicole, the readers there want to see Carter get a real storyline and some female attention. Everyone knows by now that Carter has my full attention. God bless America that he was freed from tee-shirt tyranny, and forever in peace may his abs ripple.

One thing I can't grant scoopers on Independence Day is freedom from Maya and Rick. According to the Soap Central message boards, their story arc is a complete epic fail, and viewers are declaring that they hate Maya even more after Caroline stroked her insecurities this week.

I vomited a little when Maya dared Caroline to say anything against Maya. I was glad Caroline stood on the feeble ground the writers allowed her to have by at least upholding her belief that Maya was a liar and a hypocrite who had outed Caroline to advance a personal agenda. I was disappointed that Caroline agreed with Maya that she'd lied when Caroline hadn't lied about anything. She'd just failed to disclose the kisses to Rick. Same as Maya, who'd just failed to disclose her male DNA to Rick.

Maya's exposure of Caroline and the malicious way she'd made the kisses into a full-blown affair was very similar to what she claims Bill did to her. Maya might have earned just a modicum of respect from me had she had the grace to say, "Yes, I did withhold a big thing from Rick, and I should have told him sooner. And it wasn't my place to tell Rick about you and Ridge. Just as I should have been able to disclose in my own time, I shouldn't have removed your right to come clean to Rick yourself. I did it for my own selfish reasons, just like Bill disclosed on me for his own, selfish reasons, and so I'm sorry."

I might have been able to feel something other than utter disgust during the women's moments together had it not been about how "kick ass" Maya is, and if Maya had been able to admire something about Caroline -- like her strength to recover her legs, maybe? They spent two seconds on that -- just like Maya only spent two seconds on Rick's accident -- before the conversation was all about Maya.

Hopefully, Vivienne Avant, who just crashed the Forresters' party, will reconsider and remove both of her self-centered, bratty kids out of L.A.

The week offered us a few notable tidbits. John arrived in town and forgot to visit Eric. John also forgot that he has two daughters. He called Ivy his only daughter as if Jessica no longer exists.

At the party, it was great to see Caroline walk with no boot, but wouldn't it have been a little more romantic if her greatest supporter had seen it first? Ridge might have actually come to the party if he knew he hadn't had to carry Caroline up and down all those terraces in the backyard.

What also was great to see at the party was Eric reclaiming ownership of his house. During his toast, he declared that it was his again, which restored a sense of normalcy to the house -- even if Boris' portrait of Natasha was glaring down at him the entire time. Maybe Eric can do us all a favor and finally put Stephanie back on the wall. On Independence Day, it would be nice to have him bring down the portrait of the past dictator.

I can't let Liam get away without a word. Sorry. Why did Steffy tell Liam that he'd ruined what they'd had by marrying Ivy without a second thought to Steffy, but now Steffy is back to directing her every thought at Liam? Why, Steffy, why?

Also mentionable is Wyatt bragging about kissing Steffy as she pranced around in underwear in front of Liam. And yes, Steffy, you pranced -- just like Aly said. Wyatt must be checking into Aly's Bates Motel, because he told Liam that Ivy and Steffy both have Spencer men. What did that mean? That he actually think he's with Steffy?

What do you know, the DeLorean worked for us last week. Let's see if we can't steal it back from the colonially dressed Pam and Charlie and drive it into next week.

In next week land, I predict that Mama Avant will show Maya what the word matriarch truly means. Vivienne seems like a force to be reckoned with, much like Stephanie. Maybe she'll teach Maya that experience in marriage and child-rearing, not gender, makes the matriarch. Rumor has it that Bell will drag the Nick podium back out, possibly to shame Mama Avant, but I have a feeling you can't shame her about anything. Will Vivienne see the PC light, or will viewers finally be treated to another side of the transgender issue?

Next week, Liam's freedom to waffle will continue as Steffy and Ivy allow him to date them both. Easily predictable is that Liam will be wooed instead of doing the wooing. Wyatt will gripe to Quinn, and Liam will get jealous of whatever woman Wyatt happens to be speaking to at the moment. Tossing in a wild card, I kind of like the way Wyatt and Ivy relate. Why can't they go on a date?

Rumor also has it that dire circumstances bring Thorne and Thomas back to town. I'm guessing it has to do with Aly, who's already warned people that she's reached her limits. Let's remember that Thomas is in no way related to Ivy. Am I hoping for too much if I ask for Thomas to save Ivy from her love square?

Let us know your thoughts, and until next week, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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