Breaking up is hard to do

Community Service Alert: Los Angeles is infested with breakups -- and a few bugaboos who just won't go away. From divorces to weaning off the bottle, people are separating from each other, their unsavory habits, and leeching houseguests. The problem is, new bad habits are forming, and this week, Two Scoops ponders the repercussions of the relationship shifts in the landscape.

As Rick locked away his emotions about his divorce, Wyatt locked his divorce in a safe. Brooke sought to break her abusive relationship with the vodka delivery boy, and Aly's bed found a new lover. Nicole refused to let Maya sweep her past out with the trash, and Bridezilla Quinn fought Drunkie Kong Brooke over Deacon. Let the Two Scoops' battles and breakups begin.

"The most loving thing you can do is give up your bed..."

Somebody's sleeping in Aly's bed, and it ain't Aly. In an interview defending having children in his bedroom, Michael Jackson once said the most loving thing you can do is give up your bed. Apparently, Rick was listening. First chance he got, Rick took his father's bed -- and house. Along comes Raven-Locks Nicole, and Rick readily gives up another bed, but not his own of course.

Rick gleefully gave up the bed of his foot-rubbing, chips-retrieving, ice-cream-scooping slave cousin, Aly. Why does the twenty-four-hour Aly-Mart need a bed anyway? She can just sleep on the fold-out ironing board in the kitchen closet, where she's got ready access to Rick's chips. She could also use some shoes with good insoles to more quickly serve Rick and some kneepads for bowing down to Maya.

Where is Aly's knight in shining armor to ride in and knock Rick off his high horse? Some boyfriend Oliver is. Maya thinks Aly's going to move out someday because she has a boyfriend. I don't even know how to broach the extent to which Maya's statement about Ivy and Aly and their boyfriends set women's lib back, but even if the antiquated idea that women leave their homes to cleave to their boyfriends was viable in this century, Oliver isn't cutting it in the male head role.

While Liam's running around like Chicken Little, chasing his tail feathers to keep Ivy's sky from falling, Oliver is...what? Off in a corner somewhere polishing his jousting stick? I haven't seen him stand up to Rick or knock Rick across the floor for treating Aly like an indentured servant. It appears that Ivy is more battle-ready to free Aly from her serfdom than Oliver or Aly herself.

Ivy tried to grow Aly a spine in a cilantro Petri dish, but Aly won't let anything to come between her and the hope that Rick might get her some made-in-China thong flip-flops to feature at the local dollar store. Anyone else want to Quinn-slap Aly to the floor for giving up her room? This girl stood up to Quinn. She took up an axe to defend her father's honor against Taylor. Who is this new Aly who withers into a timid lump at Maya's feet whenever Rick commands it?

Rick obviously preys on the weak, which must be what he thinks all women -- including Oliver -- are. We don't see Rick turning Wyatt into an errand boy. In fact, he hasn't said another thing to Wyatt since he rehired him. Well, I guess Wyatt would have to actually be at the job to get bossed around or to be Liam's 007. Whatever happened to that master plan, by the way?

We also don't see Rick bossing Ridge around. Maya tries to do it, but each time, Ridge serves her a big glass of shut-up juice. Every time he hears her Nazgl screeching. Rick shrank back from Liam and reverts to a teary-eyed little boy around Eric. It's only Ivy, Aly, Caroline, and Stephanie's portrait who bear the brunt of Rick's petulance. What's your guess at why Rick never bosses the men around?

Speaking of Stephanie, Rick ordered his cousins to give their new houseguest some of the Forresters' famous hospitality. I got news for him. Stephanie never listened to Michael Jackson about beds. Rick knows this. He was the one to tell Maya that Stephanie was not happy to find him in her bed. And when Brooke, Sheila, Donna, and Jackie slipped into it, Stephanie fought like a lioness to get it back.

Stephanie also knew where guests, not the head of the house, belonged. In the guesthouse. That's what it was built for. Since Eric agrees with every turd Rick poos, why didn't Rick ask Eric to sleep in the garage beside Stephanie's portrait so Nicole could have the guesthouse? Instead, he caused Aly to break up with her bed. She has to move away from her wall-to-wall HFTF dcor, medieval costumes, and goldfish to accommodate a stranger. Nicole's gotta be spooked to see Hope at every turn, and I can't wait to hear Nicole scream when Darla rips the blankets right off her while she sleeps.

Rick should research the Forrester hospitality. Stephanie treated guests to poisoned tea, left them in the pool after they hit their heads, slammed the front door on them, invaded their baths, and smacked their faces. Guests in her home, not Forresters, scrubbed her floors and massaged her feet.

Ah, the memories. I miss the old gal, don't you? What's your favorite dish of Stephanie Forrester hospitality? While you're at it, I'm interested in how you would have responded to Rick's subtle demand that you give up your bed. I'm not sure how much more Aly and Ivy can take before these people wind up on an episode of Snapped. What should Aly and Ivy do to teach Rick to show some respect?

Ivy tried to stand up to Rick the other day. What a dead-end road that was. She started out strong, refusing to make an appointment while Maya swapped spit and compliments with Rick. I also enjoyed how she sliced off the Mouth-of-Saraun Maya's speech in mid-sentence with, "Can you not, because I'm here talking to my cousin, not his girlfriend."

It went downhill from there with Rick acting like Ivy had to earn his respect. Maya called Rick's behavior fun and games, but she sure wasn't up for a game of massage Ivy's feet. For someone who comes from such a "low-class" upbringing, Maya sure packs a lot of self-righteousness. Even though Rick claims Maya's so good for him and told Nicole that Maya calls him out on things, Maya's really just a spineless mouthpiece that gives the bully the audience he needs for his performance.

I wouldn't put up with one nanosecond of this from one of my cousins. Someone's hair would have wound up in a pile on the floor. Let Uncle Eric and Daddy John sort out whose hair is whose while I step over the corpse to get back to work. Ivy and Aly should have taken a lesson from Steffy in how to deal with Rick. A drop of confidence goes a long way.

Ivy and Aly's problem can be solved if Aly revives her nose for evil. She could smell it all over Quinn, and Rick's dirty drawers and Maya's stinky bras ought to reek of it. The next time Aly does their laundry, she should cast a spell to drive the evil out of Rick and Maya and the brown streaks out of their underwear. And it stinks just like everyone else's.

You notice that Rick and Maya have no friends? That's why the boo streaks in the underwear are so deep. They have no one to talk to but themselves, and they shovel the loads of BS compliments at each other. Maya tried to befriend Ivy once, but refusing to rub Ivy's feet probably ended all hopes of that. Carter is supposed to be Ridge's friend, but Rick opened up to Carter a bit about his feelings.

I was surprised that Carter cared enough to even try to counsel Rick after the way Rick's been behaving, but I suppose that officiating at Rick's wedding made Carter feel responsible for the marriage. Rick's faade slipped, and we saw that he's still hurt and can hold onto a grudge even tighter than two-time hit-and-run victim Christine Blair Williams on The Young and the Restless. At least he acknowledges that he and Caroline both made mistakes. Now he needs to acknowledge that his was far, far worse.

Rick's hard to read. I can't tell from week to week if his feelings for Maya are legit. He's full of praise, but there's always some reticence in his eyes. It's pretty frustrating figuring out which to believe, his words or his eyes. To Carter, Rick revealed his belief that Caroline didn't think he was the right partner. Maybe his insecurity makes him overcompensate with a woman who rubber-stamps his ego.

It seems as if he's a child set upon getting a reaction out of Caroline, but she's not giving it. Caroline's painting greener fields, and it's time for Rick to catch a flight home from revenge land and learn, just like the Grinch did, that the Whos down in Whoville are going to live their lives and find a way to be happy no matter how many things you strip from them.

Maya's got a houseguest she just can't break up with -- and another secret, too. The first one about her ex Jesse was a dud for Bill, but can the one bursting at Nicole's seams ruin Maya's Whoville happiness? Just what is this secret, and why would Maya deny to Nicole that there obviously is one?

Maya's insecure about her past and where she comes from. I thought her rows with Caroline made her feel that way, but there is something more, and I'm surprised Bill, with all his military resources, hasn't uncovered it before now.

Can the secret be that Maya wears a weave? It's pretty obvious. Her hair has come a long way from those Raggedy Anne days on Rodeo Drive, and actress Karla Mosley is stunning with natural hair or extensions. She plays Maya's new aristocratic faade quite well, and I almost forget she's from the streets. Nicole's happy to remind her sister of that, but why is Maya ashamed of her past before prison?

Rick doesn't care about Maya's past, and Maya needs to stop whining about not being good enough. Rick married the trailer-park-bred Ambrosia. It matters not to him where his women come from, and when he met Maya, he was glad that he could be Rick instead of Eric Forrester Jr.

I'm not sure when this pair flip-flopped their roles, but the Maya of the past had been fierce, and she hadn't wanted Rick's accouterments. Now, the pair is as snooty as Brooke is drunk, and it makes me wonder if this new, pompous Rick would ever give Amber a second glance.

With the secret between them, Stephanie's mansion isn't big enough for the Avante sisters -- if Nicole is in fact Maya's sister. Maya is busily planning her happiness and future, but if Maya doesn't learn to share in her good fortune, the Grinch Nicole will steal every morsel of happiness.

I figured out a reason that Maya doesn't want Nicole around as a reminder by asking myself what the "baby sister" is a reminder of? Maya told Rick that she hadn't been around Nicole that much because Maya had already been out in the world, experiencing things. Then for some reason, Maya felt the need to tell Nicole to make her bed and that she'd set a curfew for Nicole if Nicole lived at the mansion.

Nicole also refuses to go away just because Maya is ashamed of her. Add to it the juicy secret Nicole has, stir in my overactive imagination, and you have my theory that Nicole is Maya's daughter.

I could be wrong. Lord knows I have been before. But what do you guys think? It wouldn't be the first time the writers sprang a too-old child on one of our characters. Just ask Donna. Let me hear your guesses as to what the secret could be.

While listening to Maya and Nicole argue over Nicole's living arrangement, I found myself infuriated at Maya having the nerve to act like Stephanie's home was hers. It's just all kinds of wrong to see anyone heading that household except for Eric or Stephanie. Even when Eric had Sheila, Donna, or Brooke there, at least his presence was in the house. I thought I was the only one whose skin crawled about the new heads of household, but as it turns out, Tracy Melchior, who plays Kristen Forrester, shared her opinion about it in Soap Central's article about her upcoming project.

Melchior wants Maya out of the mansion of Kristen's mother just as badly as I do. It's blasphemy to call Maya the queen of anything on The Bold and Beautiful. To be the queen, you have to pay to play, and Maya's broke ass can't pay to wax her upper lip without Rick. Queenie is dead, but long live Queenie.

Two divorces in one week. That's gotta be a B&B record. Rick and Wyatt got saddled with divorce papers while their spouses were out of town. Apparently, breaking up is easier when you stuff several time zones between you and your ex.

While Rick was staring at his divorce papers, pretending they meant about as much to him as Aly's shoe report, Wyatt's bleeding heart led him to lock his divorce papers away in Quinn's safe. Wonder if Quinn tucked them beneath the magic blue diamond and if the diamond is a part of the settlement.

Here are a few things I'd like to be a part of the settlement -- more specifics about what Wyatt believes he lied and misled Hope about. Viewers and Scoopers have debated for years about Wyatt's sincerity, and for either camp to win the bragging rights of being correct about him, we need Wyatt to fess up about which things were lies. For example, I need to know if he was really allergic to Bu. Do any of you care what he lied about at this point, or is it all just water under the Seine bridge?

Wyatt moped into Brooke's house to give her the news that he's no longer her son-in-law. Brooke gave him a drunken hug, and Wyatt's eyes widened as she giggled and danced. Dancing got Brooke into some Daddy Yankee Pose wall sex with Oliver, so I cringed when she seemed to get a little too friendly with Wyatt. Wyatt told Brooke to go to bed, and I thought, "Now, he's talking Brooke's language!"

I could hear the music in my head and see Brooke's thigh flying up on Wyatt's hip. Maybe Wyatt saw it, too, and the vision terrified him out of the house. Hope undoubtedly told him about Brooke's accidental man-swap on graduation night.

The expression Wyatt gave the inebriated Brooke seemed to sing, " I wouldn't touch that with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole!" It's a good idea not to touch Brooke, either, if he has any hope of getting Hope back someday.

Hope springs eternal, and if we get a recast, no matter who the actress is, Hope will have a fit if her mother accidentally screws her man again, even if on this go-round, he'd be her ex before the sex. Maybe we won't get a recast, and the powers that be will woo Kim Matula back. According to a Soap Central article, Kim returned on March fourth to film an episode.

As sick as I was of the triangle, it was good to see Kim's gorgeous face at the start of the story.

Hope disappeared from Los Angeles in December 2014. Literally disappeared -- as in faded into the bushes. I expect her to reappear and tell Liam all the secrets of teleporting -- As Seen on TV. Even if she doesn't, what do you guys want out of Hope's return? Who will she have scenes with, and what parts of her storyline might gain closure?

Wouldn't it be something if Hope returned and got the same Ivy smackdown Steffy got from Liam? Since the ex-stepsisters are on speaking terms now, maybe Steffy's already given Hope a heads-up, and she'll avoid even approaching that closed door. Hope's definitely going to have to see Quinn and hear about the engagement. And Liam will probably hear her rants about it bounce off the cliffs around his house all the way in Malibu.

Maybe Hope will return for her abandoned cat, Bu. I think Hope should give Bu to Brooke. People say Brooke's lonely because she doesn't have a man, but maybe it's being an empty-nester. It's pretty bad when your own son doesn't visit or invite you to dinner for Aly's shoehorn chicken special. Maybe Bu could keep Brooke company and give her something to mother, because she sure as hell has no business mothering Quinn and forbidding Quinn to marry someone as if Quinn is her seventeen-year-old kid.

"Just remember, by being here, you've agreed that whatever you hear and whoever you see in this room is kept in the strictest confidence..."

Everybody knew what that meant the moment the Alcoholics Anonymous group leader ended the meeting with it. Deacon must keep secrets from his bridezilla about his drunkie kong games with Brooke. Besides, Quinn won't share her joystick, even it is for a good cause. No cause is a good one unless it gets Quinn exactly what she wants, and she wants Deacon all to herself.

If I was recast as Taylor and had a counseling office, I'd never take Quinn on as a client, but I would have some advice for her. Quinn, you should have never gotten engaged without even knowing your fianc used to be an alcoholic. That's a serious thing to know about somebody, and at your age, Quinn, you should have found a man who has a job. Oh, yeah, never mind. I forgot, you want Deacon to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, while you earn the dough.

Wyatt poured his heart out to Quinn about being just like her and wanting what he wanted despite the consequences. She listened but denied what he was saying. She didn't want him to think he was like her, but that's because she doesn't think she's like herself.

Until Quinn learns the lesson Wyatt claims to have learned, she and Deacon will never be happy or at peace. Quinn's gonna worry about every little thing Deacon does, like Katie did with Bill, and Quinn will worry her man right into Brooke's carefree arms, like Katie did.

If I was the recast Taylor who refused to take Quinn on as a client, I'd also tell her that she likes competitive drama. In the middle of Wyatt's epiphany, she's worried about if Wyatt will tell Liam about the divorce. Why does that matter, and why is Liam even relevant in that conversation? Because Quinn just has to win.

Make no mistake, the divorce is a loss for Quinn, and she'll be right back to her old mama bear ways. Actually, she hasn't changed. She's just a bridezilla this time, and she'll want Wyatt to be as happy as she is. This means she'll be in Hope's face about a reunion. Quinn won't leave well enough alone, because she never can, and her persistent pestering will make Deacon crave a drink. Guess who he'll call at a low point like that? His confidential buddy who he can't tell Quinn he saw at the A.A. meeting.

Quinn will no doubt want to smack Brooke down again, but no one can smack some sense into her like herself. After guzzling down what had to be a whole bottle of vodka, Brooke knocked herself out when she fell and hit her head on the coffee table. She was lucky to wake up. And who was there, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to greet her? The Beata vodka bottle.

The Beata vodka had apparently ordered itself a case of roommates without Brooke even knowing. Either that, or Quinn sent it over to give Brooke alcohol poisoning. If Brooke drinks any of it, she needs to first inspect the bottles to make sure no poisoned jewels are floating at the bottom of them.

Beta is a unique name for the vodka. It was probably named that because it beats the hell out of you. The stuff seems worse than Pepe tequila. I have to confess, when I get on that Pepe, you better stand back and give me plenty of space. Pepe's mean and will take you down, just like that Beata vodka took Brooke down. When Brooke saw the bruises from her fight with Beata the previous night, she hightailed it to her first A.A. meeting, where she happened to encounter Deacon.

Deacon's still got feelings for Brooke, and they are more obvious than the imperfections in Quinn's diamond ring. He's trying to be a good man for Quinn, and he and Quinn, in my opinion, are better suited for each other. Brooke's a mistake Deacon needs to stop making -- even if he's only making it in his dreams. If he wants to make a new mistake in the real world, he can come see me.

I'm glad the writers finally decided to acknowledge Deacon's drinking problem, and he's looking sexy with that new shave. Oh, Sean, Sean, Sean. You're so sexy. My wish for Deacon is to enjoy those good food stamp dinners Quinn's cooking up while avoiding anything she used the red whisk to make. And I really do not want Hope to give him some long conversation about his feelings for Brooke. Wyatt's already taken care of that enough for the last couple weeks.

The Bold and the Beautiful has had a long history with alcoholics. The storyline isn't new. Help me, Two Scoopers, if I forget anyone on the A.A. list: Taylor, Macy, Deacon, and Bill. Now we have Brooke. Ridge and Hope had pill addictions. Three of the alcoholics before Brooke had car accidents, so what is the likelihood that Deacon and/or Brooke will have a car accident of some sort?

What do you think is in store for next week and the coming months? Steffy might be back on the Los Angeles scene in the spring, and maybe Hope will be, too. I'm still betting that Nicole will worm her way into a modeling job, causing Maya all kinds of jealousy. What is this secret of Maya's, and to what lengths will she go to get rid of Nicole at work and at home?

It'll be no surprise what Katie will be up to as soon as she's back from Aspen. She'll be in Brooke's business while Donna's probably off somewhere at a tanning bed. And Donna wonders why she's the chopped-liver sister.

Will we hear anything else about Wyatt spying for Liam? Will the Forrester takeover story get wings, or has Katie's new leash on Bill put the kibosh on that storyline? Bill was so excited about the Forrester takeover. But once Katie put that leash on his neck and Steffy left town, we haven't heard anything else about it. I'm really curious to know how they plan to use Wyatt in this takeover plot.

Tell me your thoughts on the divorces, the breakups, and the return of Quinn's old habits. And for anyone who can actually understand Rick, please explain him to me. Are you excited to see Kim Matula again? By the way, Linsey Godfrey's back to filming, too, after her accident. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about that and a longer return for Steffy, who's sure to let Ivy know who runs that town. In the meantime, stay bold and beautiful, baby!

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