The ten commandments of The Bold and the Beautiful

The events of the last few weeks have shown that with writing this bad, maybe a little divine intervention wouldn't be such a bad thing.

In the spirit of switching up a little bit from time to time here at the Scoops, I have decided to bestow upon my readership the little known B&B Ten Commandments that I keep filed away in the back of my mind as I watch the show (and all others as well...these go for all soaps, really). This list of do's and don'ts should help guide the writers better than the left over scripts in the bottom of the Xerox machine. However, the events of the last few weeks have shown that with writing this bad, maybe a little divine intervention wouldn't be such a bad thing.

THOU SHALL HAVE VARIETY...

...the last few weeks have been the Ridge-Brooke-Taylor Show or Three's a Crowd as I like to call it these days. There ARE more characters waiting their turn to have screen time (Thorne for one!) and more stories that could be told. Switch up soon or the natives will get restless. Need some help Brad? Email me...I can be in LA by the end of the week.

THOU SHALL NOT BRING BACK ANY MORE DEAD CHARACTERS...

...I get the feeling that Brad was a little desperate to cook up such a profoundly idiotic way for Taylor to rise from the dead. I like Taylor, don't get me wrong, but exactly how many times will we drink from this well before we realize it's poisoned? Fan response seems to be leaning towards her returning NOT being such a good thing for many and now with the rampant rumors of Macy's return from underneath the chandelier she's been under this last year, enough is enough. If the writers can't come up with some new faces instead of the same ol' dead ones, time for new writers. I say, if they are pushing up daisies now, that's where they should stay. Words to live by...get it?

THOU SHALL KILL OFF RIDGE IMMEDIATELY...

...time for a dirt-nap for our least favorite original male lead. He has seen better days, his looks have finally caught up with him, and his character has become an idiot. Honestly, for those that do still like him, aren't you sickened by how he has been written for the last couple of years? If he were ever my favorite lead in the past, I would have jumped ship by now. He needs to go. Other characters need the face time. Bye bye, adios, see ya! THOU SHALL USE BIRTH CONTROL...

...how many kids does Brooke need to have before she discovers the magical wonders of the Pill? Or something! ANYTHING! Geez...how can anyone take her seriously when she can't wait one extra minute to ask the guy if he 'has something with him'? Now there are rumors that either Bridget or Amber could be pregnant! Bridget's bad enough but Amber? She went recurring so that makes no sense. Good Lord! Who needs a ride to the doctor? I'll drive! Pregnancies as plot drivers are so overdone on this show...time for some new and exciting wrinkles to move the stories along. How about a good murder? The threat of booties doesn't have the same effect as a gunshot from the shadows. Ooooh, wouldn't that be a rare treat for this show? How does this sound-Who Shot Ridge? You'd have to pry the remote out of my cold dead fingers to get me away from THAT storyline!THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW ANYMORE TEEN DESIGNERS...

...first Amber was in touch with the teen scene, then Caitlin, and now Thomas? How out of left field is that? Enough with the Clearasil Crew drawing cheap off-the-rack garbage...bring in some hot adult designers that add some spice to the canvas (pardon the pun). Brad was really on to something when he had Tony and Kristen in opposing camps using their passions to really cook up some nice threads. Clark gets no time onscreen, so let's bring in two new people that are mysterious, talented, and can make the designing aspect of the show interesting again. Next we will have to endure Hopeless Couture by Spectra Fashions starring Hope Sharpe Marone Logan Forrester (poor girl won't have any identity by the time she's a teenager). Maybe she can get those Crayola's blazing away on some pre-K recess fashions. THOU SHALL MUZZLE THE MOMMIES...

...Jackie and Stephanie really do need to get a life and FAST. Doesn't Stephanie have some mindless charity function she can organize at the Blue Blood Country Club? Doesn't Jackie have some dresses to peddle on Rodeo Drive? I hate Ridge but would have danced a happy jig down my street last week if he had slugged Stephanie once right in the kisser for continuing to meddle in his life. And Jackie...does the phrase 'broken record' mean anything? If she is so determined to have Brooke in the family, why doesn't SHE ask Brooke to marry her?? Enough already, ladies! The static from those two distracts us away from the real issues at hand, like why Ridge is jetting off for random business trips only to leave his harem behind to verbally duke it out all week without him.

THOU SHALL FINISH ALL STORIES STARTED...

...I know this one will be a stretch considering that B&B seems to be the only soap I am aware of that brings in new actors and stories lines for about 11 minutes before getting amnesia and forgetting all about them. The poor actors all get sent to the Island of Recurring Characters and the stories are dropped quicker than J. Lo's husbands. Why? I am believing it's a vast conspiracy that just when the ratings start to sag a little there is all this fanfare about a new actor/actress coming on to 'shake things up'. We all get sucked back in to watching under the promise of something fresh and exciting only to have our hopes dashed by another foray into Dysfunction Junction (Brooke-Ridge-and whomever stands in their way...just insert name HERE). Hector, Tony, Sam, Oscar...shall I go on?

THOU SHALL HIRE A BETTER HAIR STYLIST...

...this has been bothering me for years and I can't take it anymore! Just a short list that should more than illustrate the need for this commandment: Taylor's exceedingly awful extensions, Brooke's flat Marcia Brady 'do, Stephanie's spiked prison matron hair, Sally's 1964 beauty queen look, Ridge's Tonto phase which was followed by this recent wet-look thing he has going on, and Jackie's Beverly Hills mullet. Just look to Thorne, Thomas, Darla, and the Twins (did I say that?) for slight hints of contemporary hairstyles that look good and are complimentary to the actors. It's a crime against humanity to have soap hair that bad. Get with the program...or at least tune in about 30 minutes earlier to Y&R to see how it's done.

THOU SHALL NOT HAVE ANYMORE POSTPONED WEDDINGS...

...tell me I am not the only one tired of the 'rain delay' nuptials that happen at least twice a year. If it's not the FBI busting in to stop them, it's a dead wife showing up with crazed goons chasing after her. No one should ever accept a marriage proposal on his show and if they do, ELOPE! Run screaming into the hills! I think Mojo had the right idea last week...marry on a boat out at sea and just DARE someone to swim out and stop you! Short of getting married on a plane with the pilot officiating, I wouldn't trust those Nick-Bridget nuptials for one minute. Someone or something will stop them again, you watch!

THOU SHALL NOT TRUST ANY MEDICAL RECORDS OR TESTS...

...has anyone else noticed that there is an awful lot of botched or missing test results, doctors dying before disclosing said problems, faked death records and phantom cardiologists in LA? That seems to be the way everything is explained or justified when looking at all these incredible stories of Who's The Daddy and rising from the dead. Why keep going to doctors and hospitals in this make believe world when nothing is safe? And what rocket scientist was in the funeral home office when Taylor's House of Wax clone was being prepped for the open casket funeral? You mean NO ONE knew it wasn't a human body? See? Who's on the Soapbox? Nicole writes... '...here's why I love Brooke: she is the underdog, she is sincere, she firmly truly madly deeply believes in love, she's smart, she's sexy, and she's not judgmental....I am certainly not saying that Brooke is perfect or even a good role model but that makes her more fun to watch and root for.'

Ellen writes... ...what's up with all the rating and raving Brooks is doing about Ridge not leaving RJ? Wasn't she the one that went to see Taylor at the Beach House after Ridge found out about Thomas and told he that Thomas would always have a place in their lives but she was NOT giving up on Ridge! Then Brooke left Thorne as Ridge was the 'only' man for her...at the time Taylor has THREE small children with Ridge but that did not stop Brooke from trying to break up their marriage!' Good point...I even remember Brooke saying to Taylor then that the kids would survive a divorce just fine. Hmmmm...how the worm turns, huh?

Until next week, stay in touch with your thoughts...it's the best part of my week when I hear from everybody!